The Sims 4: Journey to Baatu

I finally got a chance to play a bit of the new Sims 4 game pack, "Star Wars: Journey to Batuu".  In short, it's not great, but I still really like it.  It's getting bad reviews, because it just doesn't do enough.  I agree with this, but I also think people's expectations were too high.  

Journey to Batuu probably should have been called something like "Batuu Vacation".  Because it's not a new neighborhood you can live in, it's not a game changing expansion pack that makes everything Star Wars themed.  It's more like taking a virtual vacation to Disney's Galaxy's Edge, where you can do touristy stuff while pretending to be a Star Wars character.

The main issue is that "What happens on Batuu, stays on Batuu."  What I mean by that is, some elements only work on Batuu.  You can build a droid on Batuu, and it will follow you everywhere.  But once you take it home, it acts more like a remote control toy.  You can befriend all kinds of aliens on Batuu, but if you get one to come home with you, their alien features are treated like a costume.

There's plenty to do on Batuu.  You can hang out in bars, buy lightsaber parts and droids, and complete missions for three different factions - Resistance, First Order, and Scoundrel.  But it doesn't take long to see everything.

For me, the real draw is all the Star Wars themed furniture that you can put in your home.  It's easier than ever now to geekify your domicile.  Granted, you could probably download fan-made furniture just as easily, but I'd rather have official content when I can get it.  The furniture looks fantastic, as do the new outfits.

There are three kinds of expansions for The Sims 4: Expansion Packs ($40), Game Packs ($20), and Stuff Packs ($10).  Expansion packs have loads of content, and introduce entirely new mechanics to the game.  Stuff Packs just have a bunch of new outfits and furniture.  Game Packs are right there in the middle, with small mechanical additions or story elements, along with a Stuff Pack's worth of extra furniture.

I wish Journey to Batuu had not been a Game Pack.  I would have been happy with a Star Wars themed Stuff Pack, just so I could deck out my home in SW regalia.  I would have been happy with a full-on Star Wars Expansion Pack, with new neighborhoods and Force powers and major additions to the gameplay.  As it stands, Journey to Batuu falls somewhere between too much and not enough.

Actually, even as a Game Pack it falls short.  Two other Game Packs, "Realms of Magic" and "Vampires", give you supernatural powers.  Would it have been so hard to do the same with Jedi Powers here?   But again, Batuu is a vacation spot, not a lifestyle change.  

As long as you recognize that, and just think of it as an overpriced Stuff Pack with vacation elements, you won't be as disappointed.  

Dreams Do Come True

A while back I posted a blog about Star Wars Games I Want To See.  The last one I listed was "The Sims: Star Wars Edition".  Well, guess what they announced today?

Huh.  If I'd known they were listening, I would have wished for something bigger.

The Snyder Cut - Why?

Okay, so in 2013, Zack Snyder directed Man of Steel.  It wasn't the best Superman movie ever made, but it was serviceable.  In 2016, Snyder directed Batman Vs Superman.  It was an awful, bloated piece of dullness, and it was almost universally panned.  

In 2017, Snyder directed Justice League.  He had to quit before it was done, due to a personal tragedy, and Joss Whedon was hired to apply the final touches.  It wasn't a great movie, but it was a step up from BvS.  I actually like it, I just wish the villain had been better.

Look, Joss Whedon has his flaws.  I mean, he kind of peaked in the 90s, and a lot of his writing is... detectable.  As in, a character says a line, and you're like, "That sounds like Joss Whedon."  It's not bad, and sometimes it's pretty funny, but it's often obvious that all the characters were written by the same person.  But for the most part, I still like his writing.

In any event, I'd much rather watch a super hero movie directed by Whedon than Snyder.  Whedon actually seems to like comics, while Snyder only likes deconstructing them.  I'm really sick of the "deconstructing" trend.  It's not edgy or new, and frankly it's become just as tired as people think straight comic book movies are.

I'm convinced that Whedon's touches are the only reason Justice League was watchable.  Before he stepped in, Justice League was destined to be another four hour angsty snorefest.  Of course, the movie was too far along for Whedon to completely save, and he didn't want to alter Snyder's vision too much anyway.  So it's still a Snyder movie for the most part, and as such, it got mixed reviews.

I, for one, think it's underrated.  Like "Solo: A Star Wars Story", Justice League paid for the sins of its predecessors.  A lot of the people who hated BvS didn't even bother seeing Justice League, and I don't blame them.  I'm pretty sure a lot of the hate for the movie comes from people who didn't even see it.  But it still could have been better, and it joined the ranks of soon-to-be-forgotten super hero movies like Amazing Spider-Man movies or the Fantastic Four reboot.

And then rumors of the Snyder cut surfaced.  And for once, those rumors turned out to be true, or at the very least a self-fulfilling prophecy.  The new version of the film is on its way, much to the joy of Snyder fans.

Except... there aren't any Snyder fans.  BvS saw to that.  I mean, there's an exception to every rule, but I've yet to hear a lot of people stick up for BvS.  In fact, some of the people who hated on BvS are the same ones who demanded the Snyder cut of JL.

So what's the deal?  Explain this to me like I'm a five year old.  Why are people so interested in seeing a worse version of the same movie?  Who saw Justice League and said, "This would be better if it was twice as long, and featured a ton of slow motion dream sequences."  Might as well name Steppenwolf's mother "Martha" just for the hell of it.

Look, I want the Snyder Cut to be good, and I do plan to see it.  And I'll admit, some of the new footage does make me a little excited.  But I'm just not sure why anybody expects it to be better than the original cut.  We already know what Snyder is capable of.

William Gibson's Alien 3

I'm not claiming precognizance, but my life does contain a fair amount of serendipity.  And by that I mean, sometimes I'll wait months to post a blog, only minutes later to find out more information that would have been useful in that blog.  Like back in 2009 when I posted a blog about the Metroid series, and later that same day learned that another game was in the works.  I'm like a psychic that can only predict the wrong time to write something.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I posted a blog about sequels, and one of my examples was the Alien series.  Among other things, I mentioned that Alien 3 was not only a bad movie, but it screwed up the canon so that further sequels would be worse off as well.  Shortly after posting that blog, I learned of a new comic book adaptation of Alien 3.  Well, it came out in 2019, but I just now learned of it.

A little history:  To say Alien 3 had a troubled production is an understatement.  Cyberpunk legend William Gibson was originally tasked with writing the script, but his version wasn't quite what the executives wanted.  So it was edited and rewritten, again and again, until it no longer resembled Gibson's version (or anything interesting, really).

Back in college, about six months after Alien 3 hit theaters, I remember an "early Alien 3 script" floating around.  I only read the first few pages, but I believe it was Gibson's version of the script.  I even signed a friend's petition to remake the movie with the original script.

Fast forward to last year, and Dark Horse comics has released "Alien 3: The Unproduced Screenplay", a comic adaptation of that original script.  It stars Bishop, Hicks, and several new characters.  Ripley and Newt are in it, but only enough to establish that they still exist.  You can tell this was written before they thought Sigourney Weaver would be coming back, because Ripley stays unconscious most of the time.

The story establishes that the xenomorphs were created as a weapon, which is sort of alluded to in Alien, but not really confirmed until Prometheus.  But it directly contradicts some of the canon in the theatrical version of Alien 3.  The comic explains that under the right circumstances, any drone can become a queen, which I much prefer to the movie's idea that a queen's characteristics are already evident during gestation.

What didn't sit well with me is that the comic has humans transforming into xenomorphs.  These aren't true xenos, but the result of an infection after some scientists try playing around with xeno genes in the story.  So it doesn't really change the alien canon.  It's a neat bit of body horror a la "The Thing", but the transformations themselves are hard to swallow.  Like how a six foot scientist can just rip their skin off to reveal a seven foot xenomorph, complete with elongated head.

Okay, I'm exaggerating, but it still would have looked better on screen, where they could really show the transformation process.  One problem with comics as a medium is that since you only see still panels, you can miss the actual nuances of movement.  There were several action scenes in the story where I couldn't quite figure out what was supposed to be going on, because the artist had chosen the wrong part of the movement to draw.

I also had a bit of trouble following the story, which takes place across several space stations and ships.  Maybe it's just my aging brain, but I had trouble keeping track of the rival factions and who was in which location.  I also felt there was too much exposition, bogging the story down in places, but again I blame that on the comic format.  A lot of the conversations that took multiple pages would have only taken two minutes of screen time.

Overall I think it's a worthwhile read.  Unfortunately I still can't say I love it, but it's definitely better than what we got in theaters.

Dark Horse has also started working on an adaptation of an early version of the original "Alien" script, back when it was still under the working title "Star Beast".  This script predates the involvement of HR Giger, so the monster is probably totally different.  I haven't read this one yet.  Only one issue (of five) has been released, and I'd rather wait and read it in one sitting.

Bad Sequels or No Sequels?

There is a trend lately where sequels are made that ignore some of the earlier sequels.  The most recent Halloween and Terminator sequels come to mind, but they aren't the only examples.  I kind of respect that - working off the canon that supports the story you want to tell - but 100 years from now it's going to make things confusing.  I can only hope future archivists are extremely well organized.

I've heard some people say that certain movies just shouldn't have sequels.  Some movies are such perfect self-contained stories that sequels can only make the story worse.  Highlander, for instance, ended with Connor being the last immortal, and some of the sequels had to be very contrived to keep the story going.

But you know my feelings on sequels.  You miss all the shots you don't take, so if you think you have a good idea for a sequel, film the sucker.  If people don't like it, they'll just declare it non-canon.  I'd rather live in a world with a thousand Highlander 2's than to live in a world without Aliens.  

Aliens is a good example, because the first two are decent movies, and the rest are... well... of varying quality.  Some people hold this up as an example of a series that didn't need more sequels.  I disagree.  The existence of a bad sequel doesn't mean a good sequel couldn't have been made.

The problem is everyone keeps trying remake the first Alien movie.  The writers just can't get past the concept of an isolated crew being picked off one by one by a monster.  That plot has already been done to perfection.  And the monster isn't nearly as scary now that everyone knows what it looks like.

But in high school, I used to read Aliens comics by Dark Horse, and some of those took the universe in all kinds of interesting directions.  People locating the original xenomorph homeworld.  A grown up Newt dealing with her inner demons.  An egocentric general trying to train xenomorphs for battle.  Learning more about the elephant-like species that transported the eggs to LV-426.  A scientist designing an artificial xenomorph to infiltrate a hive, harvesting "royal jelly" to use as a steroid on humans.  

Sadly, not only did the script writers ignore a wealth of interesting plot ideas, but Alien 3 and Prometheus directly contradicted (and therefore erased) the comics canon.  The comic writers decided to go with the new canon, even going as far to re-release the older comics with Hicks and Newt getting renamed in the dialogue.  Ugh, just accept that it's an alternate canon, people.  I'll admit it, that's one of the few times my "bad sequels don't hurt anything" rule was proven wrong, since it introduced canon that ruined the spin-offs.  

I would love to see a future Alien movie where an aging Ripley talks about the bad dreams she had in hypersleep - crashing on a prison planet, getting cloned, etc.  Picking up about 40 years later, people still don't believe Ripley, Hicks, and Newt, but the trio still managed to live long, happy lives thanks to an undisclosed settlement they received from Weyland-Yutani.  But Newt's now-adult daughter hears rumors about some disappearing colonies (a la Roanoke), and gee, some of the details are awful similar to the crazy stories Grandma Ripley used to tell.  Curiosity leads her... well, literally anywhere as long as it's not just another "seven people on a ship get murdered one by one" story.

But anyway, the screenwriters think there's only one way to write an Alien movie.  Which is funny because the first two Alien movies are as different as night and day.  Aliens took a risk when it turned a horror story into an action movie.  But later sequels refused to take risks, and are all the worse for it.

Terminator is the same way.  I also read Terminator comics in high school.  Some of them took place in the war-torn future, which sounded like a great idea for a movie until Salvation came out and soured the concept.  I still think a good war movie could be made from the franchise, though.  If the writers could just get past the idea that every Terminator movie requires time travel, and approach it as a war movie first and a Terminator movie second, then something really cool might get made.

The bottom line is, the existence of bad sequels doesn't mean a sequel shouldn't have been attempted.  It just means the producers should be more selective about which script they pick.

Divergent and Intentionally One Dimensional Characters

One of the criticisms I've seen of Guardians of the Galaxy is that Drax's literal-mindedness isn't consistent.  For example, when Quill says, "This is our chance to give a shit," Drax's response should be more like what is shown in this HISHE video.

But I don't agree with that.  He isn't magically literal-minded.  He hasn't been enchanted with some sort of anti-slang spell.  He just grew up in a culture that didn't use metaphors.  He's since been living among people with more normal speech patterns, and some of it is creeping in.  His first instinct is still to take everything literally, but he's spent enough time away from his people that his instincts are going to be inconsistent.

That's kind of the problem with intentionally one-dimensional characters, though.  If they truly adhered to their defining character trait at all times, most of them wouldn't survive a week.  A 100% literal version of Drax would have starved to death the first time he saw a stop sign.

It's said that Drax is in prison for 22 counts of murder, which he probably committed while on his quest to avenge his family.  But I'd rather believe he just accidentally broke a few laws based on his misunderstanding of some culture's metaphors.  Maybe he heard an actor say "break a leg", or complied with a valley girl's request to "gag her with a spoon."

One dimensional characters make me think of those "One of us always lies, the other always tells the truth" people they have guarding dungeons.  I mean, what are these people like at home?  How do they even begin to live a normal life, if they can't control their honesty/dishonesty?  Or do they only follow that rule when they're on the clock?

I'm currently reading the Divergent series, which is all about one dimensional characters.  It features an entire society of people who each have one of five personalities.  You're either brave, kind, selfless, honest, or inquisitive, and if you're more than one of those, you're considered a criminal.  

Of course such a society could not work.  In fact, that might be the point of the series - it shows us why such a system couldn't work, by showing us how it breaks down.  But I'm also finding the story a bit inconsistent.  At the choosing ceremony, 16-year-olds are expected to commit to a faction, a decision that they will have to live with for the rest of their lives.  

But they're still allowed to choose.  Even though they're given tests that tell them which personality type they have (which should be obvious by that age anyway), they're given the freedom to pick the wrong faction, which will undoubtedly lead to them being factionless.

To me, this is where Divergent fails as a dystopia.  In the totalitarian dystopia the author was going for, the tests should indicate where the kids go, period.  You obviously want this society to work like a machine, so why give them free will?  You might say that giving the kids the illusion of free will makes them less likely to revolt, but they already know they don't have a real choice.  They know their lives will be ruined if they choose the wrong faction, fail, and become factionless.  Just going with the computer assessment would be more efficient.

And it's obvious why the author couldn't do that.  It's a form of the Anthropic Principle. If Tris hadn't been allowed to choose her own faction, the story couldn't happen.  And if she'd been required to retake the computer test until they got a clear result, she would have been executed before she even knew what a Divergent was.

Also, in a true dystopia, the factionless would just be executed.  For one thing, they would be considered a drain on society's resources.  Secondly, they're statistically more likely to be Divergent (who are executed), since they obviously couldn't cut it in their own factions.  And third, they have the most reason to rise up and overthrow the system.

Anyway, I've finished the first book, and I'm a couple of chapters into the second.  I'm taking a break at the moment because my attention is too divided by D&D stuff.  I don't know if I'm going to bother reading the third book, because I've heard bad things about it.  The third movie sure didn't impress me.

Minor Distractions In Media

Sometimes weird little things distract me when I'm watching movies or reading books.  For example, thanks to TVTropes and other nitpicky websites, I now notice certain sound effects more often than I would like.  There's a specific "rusty gate opening" sound that to me is as distinctive as a Wilhelm scream.  Plus there's that one owl hooting everybody uses, that standard cat yowl when someone throws something out of a window, and let's not forget that red-tailed hawk screech that's used to show a scene takes place in the desert.

Some people like to watch the glasses when characters are drinking in movies.  The liquid levels tend to go up and down a lot, since the takes are often re-shot or spliced in a different order than was filmed.  That's never been one of my distractions, but I do have a tendency to watch smokers a lot.  When a character is smoking, I subconsciously keep track of their inhales and exhales.  Sometimes a character will take a long draw on a cigarette, but thanks to editing, they never blow it back out.  This bothers me, and makes me feel like I'm choking.  And I don't even smoke.

Another thing that bothers me is characters who don't go to the bathroom.  I know, it's boring to show the mundane part of people's lives.  I'm not saying they should show characters in bathrooms more often, that's not my point.  I know a lot of this stuff happens off screen and between scenes.  But I'm talking about the times when there is no "between scenes".

I'm bothered by the times you specifically know a character didn't have time to go to the bathroom.  For example, right now I'm reading Divergent.  There's a scene where Tris wakes up and she's running late for a field trip.  We know she didn't get up in the middle of the night, because she's so sore from fighting the previous day it would have mentioned how difficult it was to get out of bed.  Her friend runs off to get her a muffin, and it takes the entire time she's gone for Tris to change shirts.  Then they run off, jump on a train, and so on.  

In fact, the book explicitly lays out her every waking moment from around mid day the previous day, until they take the train to the fence.  There is no time for her to have gone to the bathroom for nearly 24 hours, and yet - in a first person novel written in the present tense - she never even mentions trying to find time for a bathroom break.

I can't imagine waking up in the morning and not having to use the restroom.  It bothers me in stories when they don't mention this normal part of a morning routine.  I'm not asking for a detailed description of what transpires on the toilet, but stories where it's obvious they couldn't have gone to the bathroom fill me with anxiety.

I'm also bothered by novels that don't make clear a character's state of undress.  I've read several fantasy novels where (this is a made up example) a fighter is woken by a noise and ends up in battle for the rest of the day, and it's unclear whether he ever found time to don that exquisite plate armor the author described when the character was first introduced.  Am I supposed to believe he's fighting in a loincloth, or that he sleeps in his plate armor?  Because he jumped directly from his bedroll to his horse, and you can't tell me he put his armor on while riding.  (He probably didn't go to the bathroom either.)

Divergent again - there's a scene where Tris - who is shy about undressing around others - goes into the bathroom to put on her pants.  The pants no longer fit because she's put on muscle, so she puts on a towel when she leaves the restroom.  Then she gets assaulted.  Her attackers take her towel, and she runs off naked.  Maybe.  It's implied that she's nude, the attackers even make fun of a birthmark on her rear.  But at the same time, I'm surprised she isn't wearing underwear.  She wouldn't have been putting on her pants without putting her underwear on first, and there would have been no reason to take her underwear back off before leaving the restroom.  Is there no underwear in the Divergent universe?  If so, that seems like something the author should have mentioned.

There's a scene in the Doctor Sleep novel that screams "clothing continuity error" to me, but I'd be happy to be proven wrong.  I mean, it's Stephen 'effing King, for crissakes, I hate to think he's capable of such a mistake, but we're all human.  

But it's the first scene with adult Dan Torrance.  He wakes up with a hangover, next to a nude woman who's name he has trouble remembering.  He looks down and sees he's nude too.  He runs to the bathroom to throw up, grabbing his underwear on the way. He goes through the woman's medicine cabinet, finds three pills he wants to save for later, and he puts them in his pocket.  Then he puts on his underwear and goes back to the bedroom.  He disentangles his clothes from hers, then puts on his t-shirt and jeans.

In case you missed the problem - he's naked when he puts the pills in his pocket.  The only piece of clothing in the room is his underwear, which probably doesn't have pockets. 

Anyway, those are the only examples I have at the moment, and I might be misremembering some of them.  But this is the kind of thing that stands out to me while I'm reading or watching movies.  I'm not obsessive about a lot of things, and I'll accept a lot of unusual fantasy tropes.  But bathroom breaks and clothing status are vital to my suspension of disbelief.

Ranking the Nightmare on Elm Street Movies

Ranking movies is fun, and I would like to do more blogs that rank movies of a series.  However, I have strict criteria that prevents me from making all the lists I'd like.  My two rules:
1. I have to have seen every single film in the series.
2. There needs to be at least six movies in the series.  I picked six arbitrarily, but less than that just doesn't feel like enough to be worth ranking.

A friend suggested I rank the Friday the 13th movies.  The problem is, I don't like most of them, so the bottom six or so would probably be tied with each other.  Plus, I don't think I've seen the 2009 reboot, so I would be violating rule #1.  I considered Alien, but I still haven't seen Covenant.  Plus I'd want to combine it in the same list as the Predator franchise, and I haven't seen the most recent Predator either.

I'm also behind on the most recent releases for the Halloween and Terminator franchises as well.  Some would say I'm better off, that most of these recent entries would be at the bottom of the list anyway, but I'm not going to cheat on these lists.

So until I either catch up or think of another prolific film series to rank, here's my list of the best Freddy Krueger movies.

1) A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors
2) A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
3) Wes Craven's New Nightmare
4) Freddy vs. Jason
5) Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare
6) A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010 reboot)
7) A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master
8) A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child
9) A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge

More details:

1) A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors - This is the peak of the series.  It has the perfect balance of scary imagery and comic one-liners.  It has some of the most iconic scenes in the series, and the special effects were decent for the time, too.

2) A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) - The original movie still holds up.  There's some bad SFX in there, and they hadn't quite figured out Freddy's personality yet, but it's a solid slasher movie if you're into that.

3) Wes Craven's New Nightmare - After the series peaked at 3, Freddy became less scary with each movie, and was more of a comedic character than anything.  New Nightmare managed to actually make him scary again.  Plus, I like sort of fourth wall, "movie within a movie" theme.

4) Freddy vs. Jason - I'm a sucker for crossovers.  I'm probably giving this movie more credit than it deserves, but I do appreciate how faithful it was to both characters, right down to each having their own theme music. 

5) Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare - The series had leaned heavy into comedy by this point, and I can't say this is a good movie.  But it was surreal enough to be entertaining, and at the very least it's my favorite of the bad movies.

6) A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010 reboot) - I barely remember the reboot.  It was serviceable, but didn't leave much of a mark.

7) A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master - Four and five are actually tied for me, and the scenes in both movies run together.  At this point the series was just, "Let's see what funny death scenes we can think of."  They needn't have bothered having a plot at all, the teens buying tickets just wanted to see gore.

8) A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child - See above.

9) A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge - This one is bad, but almost enjoyable if you want a good laugh.  They hadn't really decided what direction the series was going to go yet, and this one feels very out of place when compared to the rest of the series.

Ranking the Star Trek Films

I saw some people were ranking the Star Trek films, so I thought I'd join in the fun.  I have a hard time ranking anything that's covers such a long span of time, because I have to weigh sentimentality versus rewatchability.  Plus some of the movies are wildly different genres, so it's like comparing apples and oranges.  But this is as close as I can get:

1) Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
2) Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home
3) Star Trek: First Contact
4) Galaxy Quest
5) Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country
6) Star Trek (2009)
7) Star Trek: Generations
8) Star Trek Into Darkness
9) Star Trek III: The Search for Spock
10) Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
11) Star Trek: The Motion Picture
12) Star Trek Beyond
13) Star Trek: Nemesis
14) Star Trek: Insurrection

So, some specifics:

1) Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan - This one gets the gold because it ranks high on both sentimentality and rewatchability.  It has good pacing, it's quotable, and it stands the test of time.  Khan is still one of the best villains of any franchise.

2) Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home - Star Trek struggles on the big screen, because the TV's tone and pace don't always translate into blockbuster films.  Some Star Trek films add more action, some add higher stakes drama, but Star Trek IV leaned heavy into comedy.  And somehow, it worked.

3) Star Trek: First Contact - This one might be personal bias.  I was a latecomer to Star Trek, so Next Generation is my favorite series.  This is the best of the NextGen films, and features the best of NextGen's villains, the Borg. 

4) Galaxy Quest - Yeah, the fourth best Star Trek film isn't a Star Trek film, bite me.  But it does a stellar job as both a parody and an homage, making fun of Trek and its fans without being cruel.

5) Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country - Just a good, solid movie.  This one is special to me because it's the first Star Trek film I saw in the theater after becoming a Trekkie.  (I had seen first two movies in the theater as a kid, but I didn't like Star Trek then.)

6) Star Trek (2009) - A few years ago I saw Marina Sirtis and Michael Dorn at a comic convention.  Somebody asked them how they felt about the reboot movies.  They weren't fans.  They said that the TV shows usually have some sort of message, but that the movies were just flashy action with no message.  I agree, but I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing.  The 2009 reboot is sleek and shiny, and not nearly as deep as the TV shows, but it does its job well.  It shows us that Star Trek movies can be summer blockbusters with broader appeal, as long as they abandon what Star Trek was all about in the first place.  I think there's a place in this world for both styles of Star Trek.

7) Star Trek: Generations - This one's just fanservice, but that's okay.  Star Trek fans are often the type of people who enjoy fanservice the most.  I'm pulling this statistic out of my ass, but there was a time when 90% of Star Trek fanfiction involved crossovers with other TV shows.  (I'm almost embarrassed to admit that I had a Star Trek / X-Men comic book.)  So having the generations meet was a no-brainer.  It's not a great movie, but it was a fun way to pass the theatrical torch.

8) Star Trek Into Darkness - A lot of people don't like this one, due to the clumsy handling of its fanservice.  They're not wrong.  It wasn't the best way to reintroduce Khan.  But if you get past that (and some other minor nitpicks), it's a fun movie.  Cumberbatch is a terrific villain no matter what you call him, and overall it's a decent film as long as you don't think about how it relates to the rest of the Star Trek franchise.

9) Star Trek III: The Search for Spock - First off, let me just say that there isn't a single Star Trek film I hate.  But around here is where my list goes from "fun to watch on a Friday night with a big tub of popcorn" to "I would leave it on as background noise while I play Sims 4 on my laptop."  Search for Spock is a utilitarian movie.  It does a serviceable job of tying up the loose ends from Star Trek II, but it doesn't do much else for me.  I do like Christopher Lloyd as a Klingon, though.

10) Star Trek V: The Final Frontier - I have to say, "What would God need with a starship?" is one of my favorite lines in a Star Trek movie.  Beyond that, there's just not much here to write home about.

11) Star Trek: The Motion Picture - I vaguely remember seeing this in the theater (I was six) and being bored.  I watched it again when I was seventeen, and it was still pretty boring, but I can imagine how cool it might have been to a Star Trek fan.  People who loved the original series, and were then starved for ten years, only to see it return on the big screen with more expensive special effects - it had to be an experience.  I like the twist - that V'ger is Voyager - but beyond that it's a slog.

12) Star Trek Beyond - I saw it once in the theater and forgot about it.  I remember some of the imagery, but I actually had to go to Wikipedia to be reminded of the plot.  And wow, it turns out I remember even less than I thought.  I do remember having fun, but it obviously isn't the most memorable movie.

13) Star Trek: Nemesis - Honestly I barely remember this movie at all.  I didn't hate it, but there just wasn't much to love.  I remember reading at the time that it was written by a Star Trek fan, who was trying to give Picard an arch enemy as compelling as Khan.  If they were going to emulate Khan, they should have used an enemy from the NextGen series, someone who has an established reason to hate Picard.  For example, Gul Madred from "Chain of Command". 

14) Star Trek: Insurrection - And finally, we have the reason you shouldn't use TV plots for movie scripts.  Insurrection is a perfectly fine story.  It feels like a dozen other episodes of the NextGen TV series.  But that's all.  I came out of it feeling like I'd just spent $20 to see something I could have seen on TV.  If it had actually been shown as an episode of the series, it would have been a decent episode.  But there was just nothing theatrical about it, nothing that warranted a big screen budget or leaving the house.  But it also proves that even the worst Star Trek movie is still a pretty good time.

Second Look: Tron Legacy

I saw "Tron: Legacy" in the theaters ten years ago, and was severely disappointed.  Yesterday I gave it a rewatch, and it was slightly better the second time.  But it's still severely disappointing.

To recap: Sometime after the first Tron film, Flynn disappears.  His son Sam goes looking for him, and gets sucked into the virtual world.  He thinks he's been reunited with his dad, but it turns out to be "Clu" - Flynn's pet program that turned into an evil dictator, leaving the real Flynn Clu-less.  Sam is made to fight in the games, and is rescued by a mysterious woman named Quorra.  She takes Sam to the real Flynn, who has been living in exile.

Quorra turns out to be the last member of a species called "ISOs", the rest of whom were killed by Clu.  Now Clu is focused on stealing Flynn's identity disc in order to do bad things.  Flynn refuses to fight because he knows it's dangerous to let Clu know where he is.  Sam and Quorra go off on their on to foil Clu's plans, but run into trouble, and are rescued by Flynn.  The three of them try to escape the virtual world together, and everyone fights on the way to the portal.  In the end (spoiler alert), Flynn and Clu kill each other, while Sam and Quorra escape to the real world.

What I liked: It's a very pretty movie.  Other than Flynn's de-aged CGI face, most of the special effects hold up ten years later.  Michael Sheen's character is over-the-top in the most delightful way - he should play the Riddler someday.  Quorra is a pretty neat character, presented as a stock "badass female fighter" character, but not so powerful that she seems like a cliche.

What I didn't like: Almost everything else.  Admittedly the original Tron isn't nearly as good as I thought it was as a kid, but at least it was cheesy enough to laugh at.  Legacy is more serious, and feels heavy handed.  But the story isn't good enough to support a serious tone.

Quorra's "last of her kind" backstory felt pointless.  The ISOs could have been taken out of the script entirely without losing much.  It feels like they just threw in an act of genocide to make Clu seem more evil, but he could have just killed a lot of the regular citizens of the virtual world and had the same impact.  Random trivia: There's actually a word for something that's the last of its species: "Endling".

In a way, the visual design was actually too good.  It didn't look like they were in a computer, it just looked like an alien planet, or futuristic Earth.  I wish they had dumbed it down a bit and given it a more jagged look.  The fashions in the virtual world just looked like modern racing gear, with some illuminated piping.  I miss the circuit-style aesthetic of the original.

Meanwhile, the CGI de-aging on Jeff Bridges was pretty bad.  Now, that would have been okay if they'd only used that special effect in the virtual world.  In fact, maybe they should have made everybody CGI in the virtual world, in order to sell that it's a computer generated world.  But they definitely shouldn't have had so many shots of young Jeff Bridges in the real world.  It might as well have been a scene from Roger Rabbit for how artificial it looked.

I also didn't like the soundtrack.  It was too generic and atmospheric.  During one major fight I noticed that the soundtrack was practically asleep.  Some heart-thumping boss battle music would have ramped up the tension.  But I really miss the techno-esque score from the original, and wish they had updated it.

The actual character of Tron - despite his name being in the title - is turned into an evil henchmen, and basically serves as this movie's Darth Maul.  He's an okay villain, but it's really a disservice to the character.

The plot is not interesting.  To be fair, the original Tron is just a Wizard of Oz remake.  Dude gets trapped in a fantastical world (complete with a different color palette) and spends the rest of the movie trying to get home.  Yeah, there's a subplot about wresting back control of his stolen copyrights, but the main story is basically an escape plot.  It's the same plot as Jurassic Park III, now that I think about it.

Anyway, Legacy has a similar plot, but it fleshes out the universe more, which ends up making it worse.  I really liked the 80s Tron universe, and would have liked to have seen more movies, games, comics, and cartoons set in that universe.  But the universe of Tron Legacy is bland and soulless, and left me cold.

What a wasted opportunity.

Bad Dialogue

I’ll be honest here, I have no idea what good dialogue sounds like.  I can’t write good dialogue, and I can’t judge it, either.  But here’s the thing, I don’t think you can, either.

A few years ago I read a book about writing, by Orson Scott Card.  At one point he gave an example of dialogue.  While reading it, I found myself thinking, “Wow, I wish I could write dialogue that realistic.”  Then, after the example, he said it was obviously an example of bad dialogue.  This means one of two things:  Either my own dialogue is so bad that I aspire to one day be as good as a bad example, or my own dialogue is actually better than I think it is, because it’s not similar to that which would be considered bad.  But either way, I’m not a good judge of dialogue, and I’m definitely not qualified to write a blog entry about bad dialogue.  But here we are.

Of course, I don’t really respect Mr. Card’s opinions any more.  Putting aside his political views for a moment, I’m really no longer sure he’s that great a writer.  Ender’s Game was brilliant, but a lot of people have one good story in them.  I’d say he’s more like how most people see George Lucas – he had a few good ideas when he was younger, then he spent the rest of his life milking them dry.  There are nearly 20 books in the Ender’s Game series now, and exactly one good one. 

Okay, I can’t really say that, since I’ve only read six of them.  But from the ones I’ve read, none of the Ender’s sequels and spin-offs match the creativity and fun that the original had.  And I found plenty of examples of bad dialogue.  But I’m getting off track, here.  I didn’t come here to complain about OSC, I came to complain about people who complain about bad dialogue.

First I want to draw a line between “realistic” and “good” dialogue.  Realistic dialogue is not good, and can sometimes render a movie unwatchable.  In real  life, people cough, they stutter, they interrupt themselves when they get a new thought, they repeat themselves, they say sieve instead of sleeve and stop to correct themselves, they skip words in response to their target’s body language, they repeat themselves, they leave sentences dangling like…

This is a realistic paragraph:  “Hey, John, did you… Oh, I see you already have… okay, so… *cough* sorry.  I was wondering if you had the – do you remember last week when I put the red rolder – I mean folder - in my drawer and – no, wait, I think it was the orange one – because it’s not… never mind, I remember Sheryl had to borrow it.”  This is exactly the kind of thing I hear around my office, and it’s awful.  If real life were a movie, half the dialogue would get put in the gag reel.

So no, people don’t actually want realistic dialogue.  For my money, there’s two kinds of good dialogue – invisible and snappy.  Invisible dialogue is just neutral.  There’s nothing distinctive about it, and you don’t notice the writing at all.  This is great for movies where the dialogue isn’t the focus.  I prefer snappy – the kind of bantering you see in Moonlighting or The Road to El Dorado.  This dialogue is in no way realistic, as very few humans are that consistently clever.  But it is entertaining, which is the reason we watch TV and movies in the first place.

It's all relative.  When adults try to write teenagers, they often use what they think is current slang.  But if adult writers think this is how teens talk, then adult viewers might too.  So you end up with teen movies where adult viewers think the dialogue is realistic, but actual teens burst into tears laughing at the same scenes.  When I was a kid in the 80s, I always thought it was funny how kids talked in some movies.  At school we would do impressions of valley girls, but we never met one in real life.  I don’t know, maybe they actually existed in Hollywood, where these scripts are usually written.  Sometimes Hollywood slang is hilariously out of date, and sometimes it actually influences viewers to start using the words. 

Voice acting is probably even harder, because adults are often doing children’s voices.  At least on a sitcom a teenage actor might point out their difficulty with a line, because it doesn’t sound like something a real teen would say.  But in a cartoon that type of situation would fly by unchecked. 

And video games probably have it the worst.  Lines sometimes have to be recorded one line at a time, because different events might trigger the same line.  It’s hard to make dialogue flow when the voice actor isn’t able to directly reply to the last voice actor’s line.  People having an actual conversation tend to match each other’s tone and volume, but video game conversations can be jumpy and erratic.  Thankfully things have gotten a lot better since the first Resident Evil, but they’re still not perfect.

I sometimes hear video game dialogue described as “full of cringe.”  If I saw someone use “cringe” that way on TV, I would dismiss that as bad dialogue.  But I see kids use the term unironically on the internet all the time.  I don’t like to pull the age card, but if you describe bad dialogue as “full of cringe”, then you’re too young to judge the quality of dialogue. 

So where was I?  Anyway, I just don’t think I can trust anyone’s opinion on whether dialogue is realistic, because actual humans range from walking dictionaries to people who randomly shout “Mandibles and Freon!” for no reason.  The only thing less realistic than movie dialogue is actual real life dialogue.  So don’t strive for realism, strive for the minimum amount of noticeable cheese.  If you’re hoping your movie is quotable, fine, just remember that meme-ability can be a blessing or a curse.  For every “I’ll be back” there’s an “I hate sand.”  And you can quote me on that.

Gullible

Transformers: The Movie came out in 1986.  About a year later, a friend of mine told me he saw a trailer for the sequel.  It showed Megatron returning and challenging Galvatron for the leadership of the Decepticons.  How is this possible, since they're both the same character?  Did it involve parallel worlds?  Time travel?  Though a similar scene did eventually happen in the comic book in 1991, this was well before that.

...and of course, my friend was lying.  But I was gullible enough to believe it.  I believed it so much, that I told another friend about the trailer.  Then later I lied and told the first friend that I'd seen the trailer too, and he just went, "Interesting."  That was when I realized he'd made it up.

But I had a tendency to believe people when they told me these things.  I had friends to lied to me constantly about video game news.  One guy told me that if you beat Metroid thirty times, you would get to play as Ridley or Kraid.  I spent several weekends playing the game from start to finish, until I'd beaten it at least forty times, before I called him and told him it didn't work.  Then he started adding details, "Well, each time you beat it, you have to complete it in under an hour" or whatever.  Eventually I called the Nintendo Power hotline and was told it wasn't true.

That same friend told me a lot of details about Metroid 2.  I mean, there was eventually a Metroid 2 for Gameboy, but he was a couple of years early and specifically talking about the NES.  He also told me that you could fight Ganon in Zelda 2, by beating the game a certain number of times and then using a specific spell in a specific room to resurrect him.

The dumbest part of my gullibility is that nobody ever actually scooped me when it came to video game news.  When I was in school, I was the guy everyone else called for video game tips.  Sometimes students I didn't even know would call me and ask me if I had codes for certain games.  And I usually did.

I read every video game magazine, and had subscriptions to most of them.  EGM, Nintendo Power, GamePro... if it was on the shelves, I read it.  I knew level select codes for games I'd never played, because I studied these magazines the way I should have been studying my high school textbooks.

So if somebody told me a bit of video game trivia I didn't know, well, where exactly did I think they were getting that information?  We didn't have the internet yet, and there weren't any video game programs on TV. 

I wish I could say I was less gullible now.  Frequenting sites like Snopes has made me a lot more skeptical of memes and fake news, but when it's a friend telling me something, I usually still believe them.  After all, why would they lie?

DC Universe

I need my Marvel fix!  Okay, so Far From Home came out 7/2/19.  Black Widow doesn’t come out until 5/1/2020.  That’s just ten months, but it feels like ages.  Realistically, this is not the longest break they’ve had.  Iron Man 2 came out nearly two years after The Incredible Hulk, and Iron Man 3  came out almost a year after The Avengers… still, arguably the MCU wasn’t in full swing yet at the time.  This break just feels longer because I’m used to a new Marvel movie every five or six months now.

Still, this was a good time for a break, and the future does look pretty saturated.  To be honest, I’m more interested in some of the upcoming TV shows than the next three movies.  Specifically, WandaVision, Loki, and What If.  But those are pretty far off.

In the meantime, I’m catching up on some DC.  I’ve always preferred DC’s characters over Marvel’s, mostly because I got into them at an early age.  Those characters just mean more to me.  It really bugs me that DC has been in such a slump lately.  Yes, I loved the Wonder Woman and Aquaman movies, but they still made me say, “Wow, that’s almost as good as a Marvel movie.”  I mean, imagine if Pepsi’s new slogan was, “Pepsi: Almost as Good as Coke.”  It’s not a flattering look.

The big difference IMO: Marvel optimizes, DC reinvents.  The MCU takes the most iconic versions of their heroes, makes little changes like modernizing their costumes so they look less like cosplay, and cleans up the details that were too convoluted or made them less cinematic.  The current DC trend is to reimagine their characters – which is great for standalone movies like Joker (which I still need to see), but is terrible for building a shared universe. 

The DCEU feels like a set of Elseworlds graphic novels.  What if Superman wasn’t a boy scout?  What if Batman was shortsighted and reactionary?  What if Ares was a foppish gentleman?  What if Aquaman was a hunky dreamboat?  What if the Flash dressed like a robot?  Look, I love Elseworlds.  They’re some of my favorite comics to read.  But for movies, these reimaginings only work as unconnected, one-off films.

We cancelled our cable last year, and we’ve been experimenting with different streaming services.  We currently have Amazon Prime, Netflix, CBS All Access, Disney+, and DC Universe.  If you’re on the fence about DC Universe, it’s… well, it depends on how much you love DC.  It’s like this… Netflix has thousands and thousands of movies and TV shows, but I’m only interested in about fifteen of them.  DC Universe has, like, twenty movies and TV shows, but I’m still interested in about fifteen of them.  I exaggerate, but the channel really is light on content. 

But that wouldn’t bother me if, at the very least, they’d make sure they had everything DC.  They’re still missing a ton of DC movies.  I understand not having the newest releases – gotta give people time to buy those DVDs before you let them stream ‘em – but even a lot of the older DC films are conspicuously absent.  Everything just looks so sparse – you go into the movie section, and you see about fifteen movies.  You go into the TV section, you see about fifteen shows.  The only thing really big is the Animated Shorts section.  Maybe DC just isn’t big enough to warrant a channel.  Maybe Warner Bros should have started a streaming channel instead, and let DC be a subset of the programming, like Disney+ does with Marvel. 

But the content that’s there is pretty cool.  Right now we’re watching Doom Patrol, which is really good.  The DC Animated Universe from the 90s-2000s is also a welcome addition to our household, even though we already own the Justice League series on DVD.  We just watched the first episode of Harley Quinn, and it was very funny, but too adult for my wife’s tastes.  I’ll have to find time to watch it without her. 

We haven’t tried Titans yet, but it’s on our list.   And we’ll want to rewatch the first two seasons of Young Justice to prep us for season three.  So yeah, there’s a ton of content for us.  But still… it just doesn’t feel like a good value.  It’s about the same price as Disney+, but only has about a quarter of the content.  And I keep finding myself doing the math – if I were to just go ahead and buy all the DC content I want on Blu-Ray, how much would that cost versus a year of DC Universe?  But the truth is, it is a pretty good value if you’re a DC fan… just not nearly as good a deal as the Marvel fans are getting with Disney+.  YMMV.

Birds of Prey and the Fantabulous Something Something

Birds of Prey was surprisingly fun.  I had low hopes because the trailers were just awful.  But they really are just bad trailers, almost like the studio is trying to sabotage the movie.  Don't fall for it.  And don't fall for the huge campaign against this movie being perpetuated by sexist dudebros on Twitter.

First things first - Get over the whole "they don't look like they do in the comics" bullshit.  Movies have a history of changing things up.  When Batman came out in 1989, they gave him a new black costume to make him darker and more cinematic.  The 2000 X-Men movie didn't even attempt to dress them like their comic book versions.  The absolute best version of the Joker - from 2008's The Dark Knight - is almost nothing like the comics version.  

Also, recognize that BoP is basically an origin movie.  Just because these characters don't look like their comic equivalents now, doesn't mean they won't later.

Second thing - Those of you who are worried that the movie looks too "woke" - as in, has a SJW bias - it really doesn't.  Yes, the main characters are all women, and yes, most of the males in the movie are psychopaths, and yes, there is an overall theme of female independence... but beyond that, it really doesn't hit you over the head with any sort of message or agenda.  Hell, Deadpool had a stronger "treat women like people" message than BoP does.

And speaking of Deadpool, the writing is similar.  Harley makes a lot of fourth wall jokes, and the movie doesn't take itself too seriously.  I didn't think it was quite as violent as Deadpool, but it does earn its R rating.

The characters:
Harley Quinn - Despite the Birds of Prey getting top billing, it's Harley's movie.  If you liked her from Suicide Squad, you'll like this movie.  Her best moments are when she reminds you she was once a psychiatrist, and lapses into psychobabble until she's distracted by something shiny.

Black Canary - She really didn't have much to do with her comic book counterpart, but she was still a solid character.  I felt like it didn't give her enough background to explain why she was such a good fighter.  A lot of people complained about them hiring an African American actress.  To me, that's like complaining they cast 6'2" Hugh Jackman to play a much shorter X-Man.  If they nail the role, skin tone is a tiny quibble.  And she did fine.

Huntress - She was my favorite character in the movie, but she doesn't get much screentime.  Her personality didn't seem very fleshed out, but I think that's because when she's not living for revenge, even she doesn't know who she is.  I saw touches of Starlord - the whole "Haven't you heard of me" shtick from the first GotG.  But other times, she almost feels like she didn't have any scripted lines.  Still, I liked her.

Renee Montoya - I didn't really like her.  This version of Montoya was disillusioned and fed up with the system, and she was unnecessarily foul-mouthed and irrationally unprofessional.  There was a great joke in there about how cops do their best work after they've been ordered to abandon the case and put on suspension, but this Montoya is so disrespectful to her coworkers that I'm surprised she's lasted this long on the force.

Cassandra Cain - She's a great character, but I wish they'd named her something else.  She has nothing to do with the comic book character of the same name.  This wouldn't bother me, except Cassie was a great Batgirl in the comics, and this closes the door on that version of Batgirl getting a movie any time soon.

Black Mask - Ewan MacGregor isn't bad, but he feels a little miscast.  My wife suggested Sam Rockwell might have been better for that role, and I see her point.  Black Mask doesn't really remind me of his comic book version here, but I never thought he was that interesting in the comics anyway.

The fighting choreography is fantastic.  I've heard that the fight scenes were done by the same person who did The Transporter and John Wick.  It really shows.  Great use of improvised weapons and slow-mo shots.  Unfortunately, sometimes you could spot the victim of a move getting into position to take the blow, or helping the attacker throw them.  That's an editing problem.  But the fight scenes are worth the price of admission.

I didn't like the whole 70's lounge aesthetic.  It reminded me of Quentin Tarantino and why I hate his movies.  But it wasn't so bad as to affect my overall enjoyment.

When they handed this movie to Margot Robbie, she got to choose between this and Gotham City Sirens, which would be about the trio of Harley, Catwoman, and Ivy.  Robbie chose Birds of Prey because she wanted to give the spotlight to some lesser-known characters.  But if BoP does well, Robbie will probably get to proceed with the Sirens movie.  I really want that to happen, but so far BoP isn't doing well.  So if you're reading this, please go see BoP.

I'm not going to say Birds of Prey was a masterpiece - it's just a fun afternoon, and nothing I need to see a second time.  But it's much better than the trailers make it out to be.

Controversial Star Wars Opinion: Blasters Are Innacurate

Stormtroopers are bad shots.  You’ve seen the jokes; it’s one of the most prominent elements of Star Wars humor.  Even people who haven’t seen Star Wars make jokes about it.  It’s even a trope.  You’ve seen explanations in Star Wars novels and comics – the clones are imperfect or the troops are trained too quickly, blah blah blah. 

Now, I don’t care about Expanded Universe explanations.  The original EU is no more, and the Disney EU is only temporarily canon until it contradicts something in a future film.  The movies themselves give better explanations anyway.  Two of the biggest scenes of Stormtrooper ineptitude are already explained in-universe.  While escaping the Death Star in ANH, and on Cloud City in ESB, the Stormtroopers are on orders to miss.  Also, Luke says he can’t see a thing when he tries on a Stormtrooper helmet.  And let’s be honest, the nameless rebels aren’t much better shots.  This is a series where only named characters are competent.  (Except Greedo, apparently, who can’t even hit a guy across a table.)

But for me, I think Obi-Wan was on to something when he called blasters “clumsy and random”.  I think that perhaps Star Wars blasters simply aren’t very accurate.  It’s not a design flaw, it’s a fundamental problem with how energy weapons work in that universe.  Perhaps – and hear me out here – blaster fire tends to drift randomly.  Perhaps the moving bolts of energy are naturally attracted to static electricity in the air, and no weapons designer has been able to compensate for this.  It doesn’t matter what targeting system you use, energy drift can’t be predicted. 

So why do the heroes miss less?  Well, you can always blame The Force, but that’s too easy.  Maybe there’s something about Stormtrooper armor that attracts blaster fire.  Maybe they build up static electricity, so for the same reason blaster fire drifts, it drifts in the direction of Stormtrooper armor.  That would be a serious design flaw, but we already knew Stormtrooper armor was badly designed.  Not only does blaster fire go right through it, but it won’t even protect you from a rock thrown by a teddy bear.  But let’s be fair – they had to mass produce millions of these outfits for Stormtroopers all over the galaxy, how expensive did you expect this armor to be?

Do I get a No-Prize?

Control Freak

Nothing to see here, just a trip down Joystick Memory Lane...

My first console was the Atari 2600.  The Atari’s joystick was iconic – you still see pictures of it today used to represent the history of video games.  However, it was a horrible controller.  Despite being covered by a rubber sleeve, the joystick was easily broken.  

Or maybe we kids were just too rough on them.  But regardless, everyone I knew had at least one joystick they didn’t use any more, because one of the directions didn’t work.  Some of the third party controllers were more durable and controlled better.  I had this one:

Atari’s competitor, Intellivision, had even worse controllers.  The number pad was occasionally useful, but that control disc was just awful.  They made little joysticks you could stick onto the control discs, which helped, but really it was just a bad design all around.  

The Colecovision used similar controllers, but with squat little joysticks instead of discs.  It was slightly better, but still, yuck.

My first computer was the TRS-80.  It had some odd controllers – square plastic bases with thin metal joysticks.  Unlike most joysticks, these were not spring-loaded, so they didn’t center themselves.  If you pressed right, the joystick stayed right, until you moved it back to the center.  Not good.  

My next computer was a Commodore 64.  It used the same controller ports as the Atari, so I just used the third party Atari sticks that we still had lying around. 

When the 8-bit Nintendo was released, I was surprised that its default controllers weren’t joysticks.  It seemed like a step backwards somehow.  And yet, those control pads were possibly the first good controllers made for a video game console.  They were the most durable controllers to be released so far – there were no parts jutting up far enough to break off, and the plastic was far sturdier than the controllers on older consoles.  I quickly adapted to them.  Of course, I did get the NES Advantage joystick later, but by then I was so used to joypads, that the stick actually felt less precise.

When the SNES came out, I loved its controllers even more.  It had everything I loved about the NES controller, only now it had more buttons, a more pleasing curved shape, and a nice gray/purple color scheme.  

But this is where my friends and I started to disagree.  Some people felt that the SNES controllers were too small, but they were the right size for me.  Some of my friends preferred the Genesis controller.  Now, I might be a little biased, because I was a SNES fan during the early 90s console wars.  But to this day I can’t stand the Genesis controller.  They felt cheap and airy and the buttons just didn’t click right.  With the SNES, I could rest my thumb across all four buttons, and sort of lean it in the direction I wanted to press.  But the Genesis had bigger buttons, spaced farther apart, so I had to actually lift my thumb from the A button to hit the C button, like some sort of neanderthal.

The six-button version that came later was a slight improvement, but I still didn’t care for it.

The Nintendo 64 was a mess all around.  First off, it had one of the most fragile-feeling analog sticks I’ve ever seen.  Second, they stuck it awkwardly in the middle.  This was supposed to give you the freedom to control different games in different ways.  But the result was a controller that just felt “wrong” no matter which way you held it.  Not wanting to trash anybody’s memories here.  I liked Ocarina of Time just as much as you did.  But that was one of the worst controller designs in history.

The original Playstation controller was great, but that’s because it was just a glorified SNES controller with a more ergonomic shape.  I had an unusual problem with the original PS controllers – they kept dying on me from static shock.  You know, you walk across carpet in the winter, touch something and ZAP!  Whenever I got a shock from a PS controller, one of the buttons would stop working.  After two or three controllers, I learned to touch something metal before touching the PS controllers. 

The Playstation DualShock controller was the best controller design of all time, and it just keeps improving with every new Sony console.  The symmetry of the two analog sticks is aesthetically pleasing, and it feels good on the thumbs.  The controller is the right weight, the button configuration is familiar, and all the buttons are easy to reach.  I'm glad Sony hasn't messed with the basic design much.

I know I’m kind of jumping around a bit here…  The Sega Dreamcast was kind of neat because of the little removable Gameboy-like memory card.  I never really understood why controllers with screens never caught on; it would be great for inventory screens and multiplayer games.  Sure it’s expensive, but it’s cheaper than buying multiple Gameboy Advances to plug into your Gamecube.  Anyway, Dreamcast had some neat ideas, but the controller was a little bulky for my tastes.

The original XBox controllers were just too big.  The XBox 360 controllers were an improvement, but I hated the buttons.  The best controller designs either make the buttons out of rubber, or make the buttons concave so your thumbs rest in the little divots.  The 360 buttons were both rounded and hard as rocks, so after a few hours of gaming I had little divots in my thumbs.  The XBox One controllers are a little better, but I still prefer the PS4’s.  

Since so many games come out for both systems, controller style is one of the bigger factors in which console I buy.  I wish third party manufacturers would make PS-shaped controllers for XBox systems and vice versa, but there’s probably legal reasons why they don’t.

Unpopular opinion time, but I think the greatest video game configuration for first-person shooters was the Wii’s “Wiimote/Nunchuck” combo.  In one hand, you basically held a gun, and you aimed by pointing at the screen.  The other hand had your joystick for moving around.  I honestly can’t imagine a more intuitive controller setup.  

I mean, when I play Metroid Prime with that controller setup, I am Samus Aran, and the Wiimote is my arm cannon.  The only thing that would make it more immersive is a VR helmet.

And yet, the Wii wasn’t known for first-person shooters.  It’s insane.  It would be like packing your console with a steering wheel controller, then never releasing any driving games.  Unfortunately the Wii came out in 2006, a good five years after Halo.  Of course Halo wasn’t the first FPS to use dual analog sticks, but its popularity taught an entire generation to control shooters that way.  This is just how FPS games control now, and there’s probably no going back.  I honestly believe that in an alternate universe, a Wii-style gun/joystick combo could have become the default way to play FPS games. 

So anyway, here’s my top 10 console controllers of all time:

1. Playstation DualShock (any generation)

2. Wii Classic Controller (and similar DualShock knock-offs)

3. SNES

4. Wiimote/Nunchuk

5. NES

6. That’s it.

7. No, seriously.

8. No other controllers matter.

9. Why are you still reading this?

10. It’s settled.  Go home.