Scream VI / Ranking the Scream Movies

We watched Scream VI last weekend. I thought it was pretty good; in fact, I’d say it’s my second favorite Scream movie.

My ranking would be:

1. Scream (1996)

2. Scream 6

3. Scream 2

4. Scream 5 – a.k.a. Scream (2022)

5. Scream 4

6. Scream 3

However, there’s still a huge gap between the original Scream and all the sequels. I like how each one carves out its own specialty – Scream makes fun of horror tropes, 2 makes fun of sequels, 3 makes fun of trilogies, and so on. But nothing beats the originality of the first one. It practically invented a new genre of self-aware horror.

It does drive me crazy how superhuman everyone is in the series, especially in the later installments. Nearly every survivor gets stabbed at some point, often in the stomach or chest area. It gets harder and harder to tell which characters have just suffered mortal wounds, and which ones are going to walk it off in a few minutes. 

Yes, humans in real life often survive injuries they shouldn't, but the reason those stories are so amazing is that they aren't very common. The Scream series would have you believe that one can build up an immunity to stab wounds.

Still, it's a fun series, and the newest one is one of the high points.

M3GAN

M3GAN is a fun movie, though it felt like I’d seen it before. The whole “A.I. takes its job too literally” trope is pretty common, but M3GAN is a standout just for its visuals. The title character is performed so well, that it makes me forget a lot of the other movies with similar plots. Unfortunately, the plot falls apart at the climax, when the movie stops following its own rules.

It seems like the writers just really wanted to show certain scenes, but couldn’t find a valid way to work them into the plot, so they just did it anyway. One line of dialogue could have fixed it. And maybe it did, and I just missed it. But if so, they needed to make it more obvious.

Somehow, Palpatine Has Returned

I'm so sick of “Somehow, Palpatine has returned” memes. It’s kind of a berserk button for me. It reminds me of how unpleasable Star Wars fandom has become. Palpatine’s resurrection is perfectly explained in the movie, but everyone quotes that one line from Poe as if that’s the movie’s only explanation. Of course Poe doesn’t know how Palpatine returned, why would he?

There’s a shot where the camera pans across some cloning tanks. With one shot they manage to answer two questions – it reveals that the new Palpatine is a clone, and that Snoke may have been a failed attempt to clone Palpatine. I mean, there's more to it than that – like, Palpatine’s force spirit was so powerful that it was able to possess his own clone – but please don’t tell me there was no explanation whatsoever.

People always tell writers that they should “Show, don’t tell.” Then this movie comes along and does exactly that… and everyone misses it. Stupid, toxic fans. Regardless of how you feel about the rest of RoS's pacing and exposition, the backlash against Palpatine's "unexplained" return is unwarranted.

Guardians of the Galaxy 3

The first two GotG movies are two of my favorite MCU films. GotG 3 is great, but it's not as laugh-a-minute as the first two. The animal cruelty and other seriousness means I probably won't rewatch it very often. I didn't like the soundtrack as much, either. 

I did love the villain, though. I also watched Quantumania this weekend, and I think the High Evolutionary is a much better villain than Kang.

Quantumania

I think the critics were a little hard on Quantumania. It's not a great movie, but then, none of the Ant-Man movies have been "great." It was no better or worse than the previous two films, though it is certainly different. Taking place almost entirely in the Quantum Realm, and therefore abandoning the comic relief characters from the previous movies, it's a bit of a tonal shift. It still has plenty of humor, but it doesn't feel like a flat-out comedy the way the first two did.

The movie is full of plot holes, or at least things that aren't explained as well as they should have been. There's several points where I wanted to ask, "Why don't they just..." and the writers may have even had a valid answer for these questions. One or two lines of dialogue would have saved lots of complaints. But oh well. It's a comic book movie with comic book science and comic book logic. You either buy into it or you don't.

Overall, it's a fun, if average, Marvel movie.

Blood Samples

 I've just published my fourth "book," though this one is just a collection of six short stories. It's called Blood Samples, and it's a prequel to my other books. It's also free on most e-retailers (99 cents on Amazon). You can get it here: Amazon  Other Stores

If you like it, please check out my other books here:

Xine Fury's Books

And if you haven't already, make sure you check out my writing blog:

Bloodhunters Blog

My Third Book Is Out

I've just published the third novel in my Bloodhunters series. If you're interested, you can get them here:

Books by Xine Fury

Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves

Finally, a good D&D film. I was beginning to think the property was cursed. I mean, how hard is it to make a decent movie about Dungeons and Dragons? Given that D&D is such an open-ended system, technically every medieval fantasy movie is a D&D movie. But it seems like whenever they intentionally try to market the D&D brand, it’s a failure. Okay, to be fair, I actually liked “Wrath of the Dragon God,” but that says more about my taste than the quality of the movie.

Honor Among Thieves is a good time regardless of whether or not you play tabletop RPGs. If you don’t like D&D, then just look at it as a generic fantasy movie. It’s not as grandiose as Lord of the Rings, it’s more of a lighthearted heist movie with a fantasy setting. If you are a D&D player, you’re going to spend a lot of time pointing at the screen and saying, “I understood that reference.” All the locations are taken from Forgotten Realms lore, and every creature is straight out of the monster manual. But you don’t need to know any of that to enjoy the movie.

The actors were carefully chosen so they could pretty much play themselves. Chris Pine is his usual quippy self, Hugh Grant is at his smarmiest, and Michelle Rodriguez is the typical tough gal. The rest of the cast don’t stand out as much, but they play their parts adequately. I really liked Sophia Lillis as the druid, though her performance was kind of subdued.

The movie is not without its plot holes, if you really want to look for them. There’s a dozen places where the druid’s shapeshifting ability could have solved a problem a lot faster than the solutions the characters came up with. They could have fixed some of these with a simple line of dialogue, but the movie takes the “look, something shiny!” approach instead. And that’s a good thing. Over-explaining the limits of each character’s abilities would have bogged the movie down, and I really think the movie’s “this is what we’re going with” approach keeps the story moving at a proper pace.

Bottom line, it’s a fun popcorn-muncher, and I think you’ll like it even if you’ve never touched a d20. But if this movie encourages people to finally give the game a try, so much the better.

Bloodhunters

So, I wrote a book. You can buy it here if you wanna:

Bloodhunters v1: Bad Blood

You can also follow my Bloodhunters blog here:

Bloodhunters Blog

Thor: Love and Thunder

Eh, I thought it was ok. 

I kept thinking it reminded me of the Burton/Shumacher Batman movies. In both cases, the third movie in the series changed the tone drastically. In both "Thor: Ragnarok" and "Batman Forever", this lighter/flashier tone worked pretty well. So for the fourth movie in each series, they leaned too far into the new tone.

I loved Ragnarok. It's one of my top five favorite MCU movies. I loved how nuts it was, and the humor was great. But Love & Thunder leans into the stupid just a little too much.

Highlights: Great visuals. Sweet soundtrack. Fun action scenes. Jane Foster's Thor is pretty cool, and I love the new moves she does with the hammer. The villain was so perfect, so well-acted, so creepy, that frankly, he was too good for this movie.

Lowlights: A lot of the humor falls flat. The plot isn't very cohesive. The editing feels off.

Bottom line: It's just... ok. I had fun, but I wish it had been better. I'll give it another shot when it comes to Disney+. 

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness

In general, I liked it. It’s probably not one of my top 10 MCU films, but that’s only because there’s so many excellent MCU films now. (Which reminds me, I need to update my ranking list one of these days.) This one is just a little too uneven and weird to make it that far up the list. But it is fun.

It’s jarring to me that this is only the second Doctor Strange film. Between Ragnarok, Infinity War, Endgame, and No Way Home (not to mention the What If? TV series), it feels like he’s had so much MCU screen time that we should be on Doctor Strange 3 by now.

 

Spoilers from here on out.

 

I wasn’t sure what to expect, but it still wasn’t what I expected. I thought this was going to be about wrapping up the side effects from Spider-Man: No Way Home, with the Illuminati punishing Doctor Strange for interdimensional tampering. Kind of like the plot of the Loki series. But no, apparently there were no repercussions from the last movie, and it’s just a coincidence that Strange’s next adventure also involves the multiverse. If the mid-credits scene is anything to go by, it actually sounds like the next movie will be closer to what I expected this movie to be.

 

I also thought there would be a lot more world-hopping. In fact, I was even dreading it a little. I’ve mentioned it before, but the Arrowverse’s version of “Crisis on Infinite Earths” was a major letdown. Great fanservice, but incoherent and not enough substance. I was afraid Multiverse of Madness would do something similar, with so many references-for-the-sake-of-references that they wouldn’t be able to cram in a cohesive plot. Thankfully my fears were groundless, though I was a little disappointed that most of the movie was spent on the same three worlds.

 

The tone was darker than most MCU films, and many are calling it the MCU’s first horror movie. I don’t know if I would go that far. Director Sam Raimi definitely showed off his “Evil Dead” style, but then, I’m not sure if I consider Evil Dead a horror movie. Is it really horror if you spend more time laughing than jumping at shadows? But I will go this far, Multiverse of Madness may be the first MCU film I’d think twice about showing to a child.

 

I feel really bad for Wanda. The writers have her locked into a specific type of plot. I believe she’s a good person at heart, but she’s a magnet for tragedy and bad influences. Ultron, Agatha Harkness, and the Darkhold all take advantage of Wanda’s emotional scars, constantly turning Wanda into the Dark Phoenix of the MCU. She’s becoming the poster child for the “Heel-Face Revolving Door” trope, and I would love it if the writers would break that cycle. I realize her current form is too powerful to be a hero, her stories would be boring. But I’m just tired of the repetitive “Wanda does a bad thing, then says sorry at the end” plots. Either make her a full-on-villain or depowered good guy, I don’t really care witch. I mean, which.

 

I liked the Illuminati a lot, my only real complaint with them is that the trailers didn’t leave enough surprises. I kept hoping they were holding something back, like a RDJ cameo as an alternate version of Tony Stark. Sure, there were a couple of unexpected characters, but none of them were as good as the ones spoiled in the trailers.

 

But yeah, the star of the show was Sam Raimi’s directing style, the Evil Dead references, and just how over-the-top bonkers the movie was. Critics often complain that all MCU movies are basically the same movie. They can’t say that about this one. They took a big chance and it paid off. I hope they keep taking chances. They’ll produce a bomb now and then, but the winners will stand out so much more.

 

Injustice (2021 Animated Movie)

I loved the Injustice video games and the comics. The problem was, you needed to read/play both to get the full story. After the opening scene, the game jumps forward five years to a time when Superman is already in power. The comic fills in those missing years.

A quick summary for those not in the know: The Joker gives Superman a Very Bad Day. Superman is so traumatized that he loses his grip on morality and adopts a heavier stance on crime. The more people resist him, the more he doubles down. His views escalate until he is a full blown dictator.

The comics start out great, but some of the later years start to drag. The first year is especially quotable, with some of the best lines in the history of comics. The video game is a fun, solid fighting game with a well done story mode. The graphics are a bit dated at this point, but it often goes on sale for under $5. So if you haven’t played it, seriously, pick it up sometime.

With five years of comics and several hours of gameplay, it was hard to condense this story into a single animated movie, but I think they did a good job. The movie mostly draws from the comics, particularly the first year. In fact, I’d say that the first half of the movie is pulled straight from Year One. After that, it draws bits and pieces from the later years, smatters in a bit of the plot from the game, and throws in some original ideas as well. In other words, the climax is a little messy.

Now, here’s where I disagree with other reviewers. They complained that the movie wasn’t faithful enough to the source material. Actually, the first half is almost too faithful to Year One. Okay, there’s a few big changes. For example, one prominent hero is killed early on, probably just to avoid some plot holes. But I was quoting the comic as I watched the movie. My wife watched my lips moving. For the first half, I almost always knew what was about to happen. That’s pretty faithful.

The second half? Well, they did what they had to in order to tie things up. They could have made it an animated series instead of a movie, but I don’t think that was ever in the cards. Appreciate the movie for what it is, not what you feel is missing. I’m sorry your favorite scenes were cut, but suck it up and move on.

But on the flip side: Reviewers also praised the voice acting, and that’s the part I felt was a little weak. Okay, there was nothing wrong with who they cast for which voice. But again, I like the comics because they were so quotable. And when it came to the most memorable lines, the actors just didn’t quite deliver them the way I’d envisioned. They’re fine voice actors, but their comic timing was off, or they didn’t put the emphasis on the right words, or something. I know, follow my own advice and suck it up. But it irks me that they were so close to perfection.

They removed some plot elements that were only there to justify game mechanics. In the game, it was silly that Superman could go toe-to-toe with characters like Green Arrow without knocking their heads off in one blow. They explained this by inventing pills you could swallow that gave everyone the strength and durability of Superman. The movie thankfully removes this plot point. Seriously, the whole reason evil Superman is so scary is because he’s so powerful. Make everyone else just as tough, and the concept loses its teeth.

Also, the game involved characters from two universes, to explain why characters are able to fight each other. The movie does touch on the parallel universes idea, but not as heavily as the game. I won’t say more to avoid spoilers. But what it does with the idea, it does well, at least in my opinion.

Now, I know “Superman turns evil” stories have been done to death at this point. DC itself has put out stories like “Red Son” and “Crisis on Two Earths”, but the concept has inspired a lot of non-DC works as well, such as Invincible and Brightburn. But even though the idea is tired, Injustice is one of the best uses of the concept. And the Injustice animated movie is probably the most accessible way to see the story. It’s not perfect, but it’s definitely is worth a watch, especially if you haven’t read the comics or played the game.

Injustice is currently streaming on HBO Max.

Ranking the Batman Films

Okay, this is hard, because so many of them are apples and oranges. So instead of going by quality, I’m mostly going by which ones I would actually take the time to sit down and watch today.

1. Batman Returns (1992)

This might be a hot take, but bite me. Batman Returns is the movie that really made me appreciate Tim Burton’s gothic style. It has my favorite Batman soundtrack, and my favorite theatrical Catwoman. I’m not fond of this version of the Penguin, but you can’t have everything.

2. Batman (1989)

I have a soft spot for this movie. It came out at exactly the right time in my life, it was a cultural phenomenon, and it was hugely influential to future super hero movies.

3. The Dark Knight (2008)

This is probably the most legitimate super hero movie ever made. I can’t put it higher because it’s so heavy. I mean, I can’t just pop it into the Blu-Ray player for fun. It’s too… good.

4. The Batman (2022)

Thoroughly enjoyable, and sets a new standard for Batman movies.

5. Batman Forever (1995)

While this was the beginning of the end for the 90s series, it struck a great balance between flashy and dark. It’s too bad the follow-up movie dropped the dark altogether.

6. Batman Begins (2005)

I feel like this deserves to be higher, but it’s just not as fun as it was when it first came out. Impressive movie, but it became boring after a few rewatches.

7. The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

A good, solid movie, but the weakest of the Nolan trilogy.

8. Batman: The Movie (1966)

Pure, campy fun.

9. Batman & Robin (1997)

Dirty rotten franchise killer! Still, fun to watch if you’re in the right mood.

10. Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016)

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

The Batman (2022)

Good movie. One of the better versions of Batman I’ve seen. There’s not a lot I can say about it, because it’s exactly what you think it is. Guy dresses as a bat, fights crime, solves a mystery, has a love/hate relationship with the cops, etc etc etc.

After the Schumacher series became too over-the-top, people praised the Nolan reboot for being more down-to-earth. While The Batman has a few moments that are hard to swallow, overall it feels even more real than the Nolan trilogy. Is this how things would actually play out if Batman existed? No, it’s still fantasy. But instead of comic book fantasy, it feels more like hard-boiled detective novel fantasy, or mafia crime film fantasy. But it’s still more believable than the previous films.

Some reviewers complained that the movie doesn’t break any new ground, that it’s too “by the numbers”. While they’re not wrong, I still disagree. There really isn’t a better “baseline” Batman movie. The 1989 film is too comic booky by today’s standards (though it was groundbreaking at the time), and Batman Begins (while excellent) is too focused on Batman’s origin story. I think The Batman is the generic Batman movie we always needed, the one that sets the tone for the modern Batman universe, one that other movies can build off of.

Also, some people complained that the movie was too dark. Not in violence (though it is more violent than previous Batman movies), but in brightness. This is true, but for once that darkness is actually done well. Every single frame is lit the way the director intended. If you only see a character’s face when there’s a muzzle flash, it’s because the director only wanted you to see their face when there was a muzzle flash. It’s artistic darkness.

Compare this to Disney+ shows like The Mandalorian and Moon Knight, where the night/underground scenes are just plain DARK, with no hope of the viewer having any idea what’s going on. The Batman does darkness right, using it to guide your attention rather than just hide the action.

Spoilers going forward.

I liked this version of Selina Kyle, but the romance felt a bit forced. It wasn’t bad, I just think I could have written better, and I suck at romance.

I thought the Riddler was great. For once he didn’t come off as campy. It felt like a Saw movie with Batman in it. This version of the Riddler had an actual reason to send Batman riddles, instead of just being crazy. And the riddles themselves were deeper, rather than feeling like they came from a 1960s joke book.

This was a great version of Batman, but I’m not sold on this Bruce Wayne. I get what they were going for, but he looked too much like “emo” Peter Parker from Spider-Man 3. Arguably Bruce Wayne doesn’t even appear in the movie, because he kept the Batman persona regardless of whether the costume was on. No “clueless womanizing socialite” disguise here, just the brooding recluse focused on his personal mission.

Bottom line: Overall, it’s a worthwhile reboot. They recently announced that a sequel is in the works, and I definitely will see it.

Retro Cheese Round-Up

The past couple of weeks I’ve been in the mood for cheese, and so I’ve been watching (or rewatching) bad 80s movies to see if they’re still bad. Spoiler alert: They are.

Heartbeeps (1981)

I actually saw this movie in the theater. I loved it at the time, but I was 8, and I loved anything with a robot in it. I do remember my parents said the movie was stupid. This week’s viewing was my first time seeing it since 1981, and… wow, what a pointless movie. Seriously, I probably could have written a better script myself, when I was 8. The whole thing feels like an excuse to show off the makeup effects, which admittedly weren’t bad for the time.

A trio of defective robots escapes from a warehouse. Well, I say “escape”, but they don’t really know they’re on the run. One of them mistakenly thinks it’s programmed to gather data about nature, and the other two have nothing better to do. Along the way they build a baby robot that’s supposed to be cute, except this was four years after Star Wars and we’d already seen cuter robots. In order for there to be some conflict, a crimefighting murderbot also malfunctions and escapes to hunt them down. Convenient!

Anyway, the script feels more like an outline than a finished story. It feels like it has placeholder lines and jokes, just waiting for the actual writers to come in and finish the job. If this movie were software, I’d think that this was the alpha build, and it was released early to hit the shelves before Christmas. Nothing specific is missing from the story - it has a definite beginning, middle, and end, it’s just that every single aspect feels unfinished.

It’s also a waste of a great cast. Don’t waste your time on this one, it’s not even worth watching to make fun of. Rewatch Short Circuit (1986) instead. Parts of it haven’t aged well (like Fisher Stevens in brownface), but overall it has a lot more charm.

Ice Pirates (1984)

This is one of those I only half remembered from when I was a kid. Did I even actually even see it, or am I just remembering the trailers? But some of the bits I remembered were too long for a trailer. All I can say is that when I rewatched it, I only got déjà vu in the first half. I’m thinking maybe I fell asleep halfway through, or my parents made me leave the theater.

Anyway, Ice Pirates makes Flash Gordon look like 2001: A Space Odyssey. The script is full of vaguely dirty jokes that don’t really land, and none of the characters really made much of an impact. Some jokes are worth a chuckle, but the funniest bits feel like they were stolen from other movies.

It’s one of those movies that feels like things just sort of happen because they happen. The heroes (if you want to call them that) just sort of “right place at the right time” their way through the plot, then there’s a gimmicky climax, and a sort of abrupt ending. The tone and special effects remind me of Barbarella (1968), which came out 16 years earlier and somehow aged better.

Anyway, even if you have fond memories of seeing this as a child, it’s probably not as good as you remember.

Krull (1983)

I did not see Krull as a kid. I wanted to, but I missed it. I played the arcade game, and I really liked that cool “glaive” weapon. Of the three movies in this blog, Krull is undoubtedly the best, but that’s not saying a whole lot, is it? It’s hard to explain why, but to me, Krull feels like it would have actually been better with a smaller budget. Not that the special effects are good, they’re pretty bad. It came out the same year as Return of the Jedi, but somehow Krull looks ten years older.

Wild tangent – comparing all these movies to the Star Wars films that came out around the same time, just makes me realize how much love certain filmmakers put into their movies. Krull had a budget of $27-30 million, and Return of the Jedi had a budget of $32-47 million. Not a huge difference in budget, but the special effects are as different as night and day. I feel the same way about Jurassic Park and Terminator 2 – they’re all films that look ten years newer than they were, when you compare them to other movies that came out the same year. Sure, they had bigger budgets, but a lot of it’s about the amount of elbow grease they put into polishing it.

Anyway, Krull feels like if Hawk the Slayer had a bigger budget. But since that bigger budget was spent on crappy visuals instead of any real polish, the movie suffers greatly.

It’s a bad movie, but this is not a bad review. The movie is actually kind of fun, despite its shortcomings. I like the concept, pitting swords-and-sorcery heroes against a sci-fi villain. It’s almost like a proto-version of Cowboys & Aliens. It might even be a good candidate for a remake. But it’s definitely something you watch to laugh at. If I were in that kind of mood, I’d probably rewatch The Beastmaster instead.

The Book of Boba Fett

As I write this, six episodes of “The Book of Boba Fett” have aired, and next week will be the season finale. Overall, I’m enjoying the series. It started out a little slow, but it keeps getting better. I’m anxiously awaiting the upcoming episode, to see how they resolve all this.

Uh, oh, it’s going to be another one of those “unexpected reinforcements” climaxes, isn’t it? Like the end of “The Rise of Skywalker”, or like we saw thirty times in the Lord of the Rings movies. Here’s what I’m picturing:

The Pykes show up at Boba’s doorstep (formerly Jabba’s Palace). It’s a small group of Pykes, with Cad Bane in the front. Boba comes out, surrounded by his allies and guards. Cad tells Boba to step down and there won’t be any further trouble. Boba refuses, and tells Cad that if the Pykes want Boba out of the way, they’ll have to fight for it. Cad snaps his fingers, and more Pykes come out of hiding and join the group. The Pykes now outnumber Boba’s group by ten-to-one.

Fighting ensues. Things look bad for Boba at first, but then the Freetown townsfolk appear over the horizon, a makeshift army of moisture farmers and retirees. But it’s not enough. Then a tribe of Sand People come running over a nearby dune - new allies Boba befriended off screen after his own tribe was massacred. But more Pykes join the fight. Then a bunch of Wookies appear, called in by Krrsantan. Also a hundred more street punks driving brightly colored speeder bikes. Finally, Amy Sedaris comes over the ridge, leading an army of Jawa ex-boyfriends.

The Pykes keep taking losses until they start to flee. It eventually comes down to a fist fight between Boba and Cad in the throne room. Just as Cad gains the upper hand, Boba manages to hit the trap door button. Both fall into the pit, but the Rancor has imprinted on Boba, so only Cad is in danger. Boba spares his life in exchange for his total surrender.

I’m mostly kidding, but I can’t wait to see if any of the above is true. (Edit: Well, I was close on a couple of details, anyway.)

Boba Fett was my favorite Star Wars character as a kid. At the time, we only had the original trilogy, and this was even before the Special Editions. Which means Boba only had about two minutes of screen time, during which he mostly stood around nodding at people, before having a clumsy death.

But he had the coolest costume, and that made him memorable. Sometimes less is more, and Boba’s lack of screen time meant we could fill in the details with the coolest adventures imaginable. His action figure got more use than any other toy in my collection, and I drew many comic books starring Boba Fett.

So, is the new show any good? Well, I like it, but I can see why some other people don’t. Fett’s noble demeanor – he wants to be a crime boss who uses honor instead of fear – is at odds with roughly half the fan fiction out there. If you read some of the older Expanded Universe novels and comics, you’ll even find official authors conflicting with each other.

One novel might portray him as an honorable hunter who abides by a strict moral code, while another makes him out to be a cold-bloodied killer who turns on his allies to make a quick buck. So the fans of the “cold and heartless” Fett are probably disappointed that they went with the honorable version.

It doesn’t help that the best BoBF moments are the ones that involve The Mandalorian. Causing some to ask: Is Din Djarin cooler than Boba Fett?

The problem with that question is that we haven’t seen enough of Boba on the big screen. His scenes in the original trilogy were basically cameos. Then we got to see him as a kid in the Prequels. And now we’re seeing Boba’s retirement plan. I have every reason to believe that when Boba was in his 20s, he was just as much of a badass as Djarin. It’s just that those adventures were relegated to comic books and novels, most of which are no longer canon.

Din Djarin, at this point in his life, basically is young Boba Fett. He’s having the adventures we always wanted to see from Fett, but were never filmed. And when Djarin reaches Boba’s age, he’ll probably start thinking about a retirement plan of his own. And then he’ll be boring. So no, Djarin isn’t cooler than Boba. He’s just at a cooler time of his life.

But you know what’s really cool? Peripheral vision. Being able to get a haircut or eat in public. Scratching your nose when it itches. Kissing. The ability to convey emotions through facial expressions. Sneezing without getting snot all over your visor. Having people actually recognize you, without them having to wonder if someone else is wearing your clothes (anybody remember Jodo Kast?). Just, in general, being allowed to take your helmet off when you want to, without violating some ridiculous cultural pseudo-religious taboo.

You know what’s not cool? Helmet sweat. It’s damp and rank and it gets everywhere. Hate on Boba Fett all you want, but at least his helmet doesn’t smell like armpits. “If I ever remove my helmet, I won’t be able to put it back on.” Yeah, that’s because you’ll smell fresh air for the first time in 20 years, Din. I wouldn’t be able to put my helmet back on either. But I digress.

Another complaint I’ve seen is that some of the elements don’t seem to fit in the Star Wars universe. The most glaring example being those brightly-colored speeder bikes in the third episode. Apparently they were designed as an homage to “American Graffiti” by George Lucas. Personally they don’t bother me.

I’ve probably said this before, but the problem with Star Wars is that we haven’t actually seen enough of the casual part of the universe. Most of what we’ve seen has been during wartime, from the perspective of the soldiers fighting in those wars. When we do see someone’s day-to-day life, it’s either the criminal underworld, or royalty, or a geriatric Muppet living in exile. Rarely do we see the normal life of a civilian. 

Except on Tatooine. We know far too much about Tatooine. It’s supposed to be a remote planet most people have never heard of, but it’s the site of half of everything that’s ever happened in Star Wars. Between Tatooine and Jakku, the desert feels like the default Star Wars location. When people picture a Star Wars casual outfit, they picture desert gear.

Picture this: It’s 1000 years from now. We’ve colonized every habitable planet in our solar system. Earth is the birth of our civilization, and most of our system is governed by the colonies on Mars. And yet, for some reason, 50% of our fiction takes place on Pluto. WHY? I wish the Death Star had blown up Tatooine instead.

Why is this such a problem for me? Because of everything we don’t know. We don’t know what Star Wars grocery stores look like. Or what sort of TV shows people watch. Or what sports they play. I mean, sure, we know a lot about the desert planets, but what’s everyday life like on Coruscant? Or Naboo? Planets where the biome itself isn’t such a huge factor in your everyday life. Why should I care who wins these "Star Wars" when I rarely see the lifestyles they're trying to protect?

The reason this bothers me is that it means whenever they do try to introduce new casual elements… the new elements don’t look “Star Wars” enough. This isn’t a new problem. When Episode I came out, some people complained that the ship designs were too sleek and modern looking. When Episode II came out, I heard a few complaints about some of the scenes on Coruscant (like the diner) seeming out-of-place in the Star Wars universe.

So those complaints about the speeder bikes make no sense to me. Just look at the world around you. If people have the technology to build a thing, someone will eventually build it. Look how different cars look now than they looked in the 1950. Look all the different fashions, and the shapes of houses. Styles change all the time in real life. But apparently people want Star Wars to remain stagnant, using only variations of what we’ve seen already. That, to me, is unrealistic.

And this is why I want more official Star Wars content. I would like Disney to hire George Lucas as a consultant (and nothing more), and I want them to make some TV shows that flesh out the more casual side of the Star Wars universe. Not everything has to be an action/western just because it’s Star Wars. Give me a sitcom set on Bespin or a legal drama set on Coruscant. Even if a show turns out really bad, it will normalize some of the elements we haven’t seen. Adding to the Star Wars lore will give future writers more to work with.

As usual, I’ve really gotten off track here. My point is, Book of Boba Fett is a decent show. If nothing else, I’m glad we finally have a canon, on-screen depiction of Fett escaping the Sarlacc pit. But the show is not for everyone. Like most things Star Wars, I’m just tired of people hating it for the wrong reasons.

Spider-Man: No Way Home

I wrote this part before I saw it, because I wanted to see if it lived up to my hopes:

The trailers look great, but this movie looks soooo fanservicey. Normally I like fanservice, but there has to be something else there as well. I was greatly disappointed by the Arrowverse's "Crisis on Infinite Earths" crossover. It had some really neat references, like showing Tom Welling's Clark Kent from Smallville, but the story itself was underwhelming.

So while I'm looking forward to seeing all the references to the pre-reboot Spidey universes, I really hope the movie is deeper than that.

Ok, so now I've seen the movie, here's my thoughts:

Wow, that's a good movie. (Possible spoilers ahead.)

Yes, it is full of fanservice. But instead of filling it with pointless cameos, this movie actually makes use of its resources. Sure, there are a lot of inside jokes. To get the most out of this movie, you will have to have seen all the Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield movies. There's even a few fourth wall jokes.

But even with all these winks to the audience, there is a solid story here. The characters from previous movies don't just show up without effecting the plot, they are the plot. The story actually makes use of every character. As much as I love the animated "Into The Spider-Verse" movie, I have to admit that it got a little too much mileage out of novelty of showing us alternate Spider-people. But in "No Way Home", it doesn't feel like a novelty. It's more like a family reunion.

Best of all, "No Way Home" legitimatizes the previous continuities. One of the reasons people hate reboots is that they just throw out old continuity, and there goes any investment the viewer may have had in the series. But this movie's premise hinges on the fact that those other continuities are still canon. Alternate universes, sure, but they did still happen. These alternate versions of Spider-Man do exist within the Sony/MCU multiverse.

I was also afraid that "No Way Home" was going to end up being "Doctor Strange 1.5". While it does set up the plot of the next Doctor Strange movie, Strange himself doesn't have quite as much screen time as the trailers would imply. This is 100% a Spider-Man movie (sometimes 300%), that just happens to feature Doctor Strange as a guest character. And while the ending will have future repercussions for Strange, it ties up Spidey's story quite nicely.

I wonder where they'll go from here. Tom Holland says it felt like the final movie for that version of Parker, and wants them to move on to Miles Morales or other Spider-people. But he also sounds open to playing Spider-Man again, as long as he isn't still playing him in his 30s. Some fans are starting to clamor for Sony to finish out Andrew Garfield's trilogy. And the studios, of course, will do whatever they think makes them the most money.

Personally? I do think this is a good time for Tom Holland's Spider-Man to leave the MCU, and let Sony have the property. He's a great character, but he's had a good run. In a perfect world, I'd like them to finish Andrew Garfield's trilogy, but with an ending that passes the torch to Morales. I mean, if the "Amazing" movies are going to be canon, they should at least tie up the loose ends. 

But if they were going to cater to my wishes specifically? I want to see a live action Spider Gwen.

4 Quickies - Ryan & The Rock

I'm on vacation this week, and I've been catching up on a few movies. The COVID booster knocked me on my ass, and the following day I wasn't able to do much but watch movies. 

Here's four movies I've seen in the past couple of weeks. All of them star either Ryan Reynolds or Dwayne Johnson, if not both. I'm a fan of both actors, though neither have shown a lot of acting range. Reynolds has at least proven he can play other characters (see 2005's "The Amityville Horror") but he seems to prefer roles where he can just be himself. Johnson is one of the best wrestler-turned-actors, though it is kind of hard to swallow when he tries to play "normal guy" roles.

Free Guy

This is a fun movie, but not particularly deep. I have a feeling that anybody who actually understands programming gets Dan Browned the entire movie, but it's not like the movie is supposed to be realistic. 

It feels like they combined elements from a dozen other movies like "Ready Player One" and "Wreck-It Ralph", but I see more of Tron than anything else. Not because it takes place inside a computer, but because a huge plot point is that the head of a tech company stole video game code from an ex-employee.

Anyway, it's fluffy but fun.

Jungle Cruise

So years ago, Disney started making movies based on Disney World Rides. "The Country Bears" was a flop, and "The Haunted Mansion" wasn't much better. But "Pirates of the Caribbean" was a huge hit. So how do we replicate that hit? By reusing that movie's biggest plot point. I don't want to spoil it here, but when you see it, you'll know.

Still, it's entertaining, if not completely original. The Rock is funny, the visuals are nice (though some of the CGI could have used more work), and the action is exciting. But it's no Pirates.

Red Notice

A great comedy/thriller along the lines of "The Italian Job" or "Ocean's 11". Lots of plot twists and backstabbing. It's one of those movies where you think you keep spotting plot holes, but most of them disappear when the final twist happens. Reynolds, Johnson, and Godot have a lot of great quips and snappy dialogue.

San Andreas

This is just another action movie along the lines of Volcano or Twister, but it is exciting. Don't expect more than that. If you like disaster movies, you'll have a good time.

The Eternals

This is the first time I've been to a theater since the pandemic started. Before this, the last movie I'd seen in the theater was Birds of Prey (...and the Fantabulous something something). We paid the extra money to see Black Widow on opening weekend on Disney+ (and kind of regretted it), and we also waited for Shang-Chi to come to the channel.

So, did The Eternals live up to the (somewhat low) bar set by Birds of Prey? Um... yeah, but not by much. It's a very pretty movie, and it has a decent plot, but it's LONG. At 2 hours and 37 minutes, it's not quite as long as Endgame, but Endgame earned its length. Two and a half hours is a long time to spend watching characters I don't really care about.

So who are the characters? Well, basically the Justice League, if the Justice League were thousands of years old and completely useless. We've got a guy who flies and has heat vision (they even make a Superman joke about him in the movie), a female warrior with a sort of Amazon vibe, a speedster, and so on. There are also some original powers in there, but nothing to write home about.

There was a lot I liked about the movie. I loved the whole "Trolley Problem" nature of the plot, though this movie's final dilemma reminded me a little of "The Cabin in the Woods" and a lot of a certain Doctor Who episode.

The casting was decent, the acting was good, the special effects were great (except for one horrible CGI character in the mid-credits scene), and the action scenes were exciting. But I just couldn't get invested in these characters. Arguably it's because I didn't know who these characters were going in, but I enjoyed "Guardians of the Galaxy" and "Shang-Chi" despite not being familiar with the characters.

I think humor was a big factor. The Eternals takes itself way too seriously. It does have a few really good jokes, but not nearly enough. It's not nearly as dreary as "Batman V Superman" - at least this movie's in color - but The Eternals could have benefitted from less exposition and more editing. Heck, it even starts with an opening crawl explaining the plot, despite everything getting explained later as well.

One of the biggest problems I had with the movie (besides the length) was the random application of the group's Prime Directive. Never interfere with the natural flow of human history, except when you want to. The Eternals are basically an entire team of Captain Kirks.

Anyway, it was okay, but long. Did I mention that it was long? It's long. It's longer than 1984's "Dune", which I sometimes think I'm still watching today. I really think The Eternals would have been better as a miniseries on Disney+ instead of a theatrical movie. The way it jumps forward and backward in time would really help it there - have each episode start with a flashback before jumping to present day.

I'll update my "Ranking the MCU" list after Spider-Man comes out, but I can tell you that the Eternals will probably be in the bottom 10. This doesn't make it terrible - I love all the MCU films, even the one at the very bottom.  

Btw, it's long.

My Favorite Games Redux

A couple of years ago, I posted a list of my all-time favorite games. While that list still holds up, I think it represents more of what I consider my "ideal" favorite games, rather than the games I would actually go back and play again.

I mean sure, I still consider Super Metroid to be the best video game of all time. But a lot of that is nostalgia and a general fondness for the game's universe. Realistically - here, now, and today - would I really be more likely to sit down and play Super Metroid than something more contemporary?  Probably not.

 

So here's my new list. The following games are ones that I actually keep going back to, sometimes years apart. Most of these are games I've purchased and played on multiple consoles or computers, and have owned both physically and digitally. These are the games I would take if was stranded alone on a deserted island. These are the games I would save if a computer virus threatened to wipe out all other games from existence.

 

Most of these also appeared on my previous list, but this time they're in a different order. For the most part, I will only include one entry from a series. This is because some sequels make the earlier games in the series obsolete. I put months of my life into The Sims 3, but I never touched it again once I started playing The Sims 4.

 

I'm going to focus on single player games for this list. Sure, Street Fighter II has earned its place in video game history, and we all have fond memories of the original Gauntlet. But the truth is, I don't game with friends very often. And when I do, we usually just gravitate to whatever multiplayer game is newest, rather than going back to the classics. Heck, offline multiplayer games don't even have to be good, they just have to enhance the time we spend together.

 

I'm also not including any puzzle games like Tetris or Bejeweled, even though I've put a lot of time into them. When it comes to single player puzzle games, I tend to think of them as ways to pass the time in a waiting room, and I'm just as likely to try a new one as I am to replay an old favorite.

 

I'm also excluding compilation games (like Super Mario All-Stars or Mega Man Legacy Collection) because I feel like that would be cheating. Individual games only.

 

Anyway, that's enough exposition. On with the list!

 

 

15. Dungeon Siege

    Owned on: PC (Disc/Steam)

    This is just mindless point-and-click fun. The sequels are better, and Torchlight outshines the Dungeon Siege series in every way, but there's something about the simplicity of the original Dungeon Siege that makes me want to reinstall it now and then. This is an RPG for when I don't have time for an RPG, and just want to cut a swath of destruction through enemy hordes.

       

14. Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic

    Owned on: XBox, PC (Disc/Steam)

    I've installed and played through this game several times. The graphics haven't aged well, but remasters are coming, and I do intend to play through it again. This is the best non-theatrical Star Wars story I've seen, with a twist every bit as mind-blowing as the one in Empire Strikes Back.

 

13. Bionic Commando (NES Version)

    Owned on: NES, Gameboy, GBA (In "Capcom Classics Mini-Mix"), 360 and PC (Steam): "Rearmed" Version

    While I may have blasted the arcade version, the NES version of Bionic Commando is a delightful classic. It helps that it's been remade with better graphics, but even the NES version still has its charm. This is weird, but I've always had a thing for grappling hooks, ever since Luke used one in the first Star Wars movie. Video games with grappling hooks are especially fun, and Bionic Commando uses its grab-and-swing mechanic to great success.

 

12. Life is Strange

    Owned on: PS4, PC (Steam/GOG)

    It was difficult to restrain myself from putting multiple Life is Strange games on this list. It was even harder to decide which one deserved the spot most. The prequel has some of my favorite scenes, and the newest one has the best script, but ultimately I'm going to have to go with the original. It has the best plot, with all the time travel and the gut-wrenching decisions.

 

11. Dragon Age: Origins

    Owned on: 360, PC (Steam/Origin)

    Dragon Age is basically Knights of the Old Republic in a medieval fantasy world. But it ends up being way more exciting, IMO. I've played through this one at least four times, and I could easily see going through it again.

 

10. Super Metroid

    Owned on: SNES, Wii (Virtual Console), SNES Classic

    I've been in love with the Metroid series ever since I first found out Samus Aran's true identity. I love the sci-fi setting, the upgradable power armor, and the exploration. However, the original game has aged badly, and some of the later games leaned into aspects I don't enjoy, such as overly-long boss fights. Super Metroid, the third game in the series, is the best compromise between graphics and classic gameplay. Honestly it was a bit of a toss-up between this and Zero Mission, but the SNES holds a special place in my heart. I often say that Super Metroid is my all-time favorite game, but as you can see there are other games I'd be more likely to pick up and play.

   

9. Mega Man 2

   Owned on: NES, 3DS/PC (Steam): in "Mega Man Legacy Collection"

   Capcom always knew how to get the most out of the NES. The Mega Man games had vibrant colors, memorable character designs, and a creative premise. You have a character who can absorb his enemies' weapons, you can tackle the stages in any order, and you have near perfect controls. The Mega Man games are some of the most solid side-scrolling action games in the history of video games. And for my money, Mega Man 2 was the pinnacle of the series. It had great stage design and some of the most interesting bosses. Later Mega Man games sometimes felt like they were just going through the motions, but Mega Man 2 is inspired.

 

8. Final Fantasy VI

   Owned on: SNES, GBA, PC (Steam), SNES Classic, Android

   This was the first console RPG I really liked. I'd always shied away from games like Ultima and Dragon Warrior because they looked boring. At the time I felt like video games should test your manual dexterity, and having your attacks based on math just sounded dull. But then I read a glowing review of Final Fantasy III (the American name of FFVI for the SNES), and it convinced me to at least rent it. It seriously blew me away. The way these primitive little sprites could convey so much emotion, the sheer enormity of the plot, the huge variety in the way different characters worked... it all added up to something huge. And not to mention the length. Just when you think you've beaten the game, the bad guy shows up and destroys the world, and you realize... this game's only half over.

 

7. Crazy Climber

   Owned on: PS4

   This is one of the few games on this list that I've only bought once, but it's not for lack of trying. Crazy Climber was the first arcade game I really fell in love with as a child. I must have really tested my parents' patience, always making them drive across town for the one arcade that had Crazy Climber in it. I always wanted it for home consoles, even though I knew it would lose part of its charm - without twin joysticks, it just wouldn't have been the same game. It didn't matter, though, since it never seemed to come out for any consoles I owned. I'm just glad that when I finally managed to play it again as an adult, it was on a system with twin joysticks. And it holds up. Sure, the graphics are positively ancient, but like Pac-Man and Dig Dug, the visuals are exactly as good as they need to be. It was one of the first games I bought for my PS4, and I still keep coming back to it now and then.

 

6. Super Mario World

   Owned on: SNES, Wii (Virtual Console), SNES Classic

   I knew there had to be a Mario game on this list, but it was hard to decide which one. I didn't want to include Mario Maker because I consider it a multiplayer game - one of the best motivations to design cool levels is to show them off to other people. So it really boiled down to Super Mario Bros 3 and Super Mario World. But I have found over the years that I am a little bit more likely to go back and play Super Mario World. The controls are tight, the graphics are colorful, and every level is just pure, undistilled fun.

 

5. Chrono Trigger

   Owned on: SNES, DS, PC (Steam), Android

   Where do I even begin? Time travel! Multiple endings! Double and Triple Techs! A "New Game Plus" feature that gives the game infinite replayability! A lot of JRPGs lose their charm once you beat them, but Chrono Trigger is one of those games I can keep playing forever. It never hit me emotionally as much as the Final Fantasy games, but it's so much more fun. Honestly, in what other game can your party consist of a robot, a cavewoman, and a frog?

 

4. Super Castlevania IV

   Owned on: SNES, Wii (Virtual Console), SNES Classic, PS4/PC (Steam): in "Castlevania Anniversary Collection"

   Oddly, this is probably one of the less popular Castlevania games. It's not as nostalgia-inducing as the NES games, and it's not a "Metroidvania" like some of the other games in the series. It's basically a generic action game with a Castlevania theme. And I love that. There's no story to get bogged down in, there's no running back and forth to collect powerups, it's just a fun afternoon whipping monsters. It has gorgeous graphics and an excellent soundtrack. The controls are fantastic, with a multi-directional whip you can even use like a grappling hook in some places. It's just a solid platformer that I can pick up and play whenever I want.

 

3. Saints Row IV

   Owned on: PC (Steam), PS4

   This is one of the newer games to make this list, but I think it will stand the test of time. I believe this because before I tried the Saints Row series, I was resintalling GTA3 and/or Vice City every few years. But SR4 outshines those GTA games in every possible way, and it adds character customization, humor, and sci-fi elements. Open world games always have more replay value than other games, and SR4 is the best GTA-style game I've played. It's one of those games where I can spend hours driving around town or jumping from building to building, ignoring actual missions in favor of self-imposed challenges.

 

2. The Sims 4

   Owned on: PC (Origin)

   The Sims games have always been a guilty pleasure. In no other game can I spend so much time accomplishing nothing. It's one of those games I can play for an entire weekend, sun up to sun down, and then not play again for a year. The first Sims game came out more than 20 years ago, and I would bet good money that I've played a Sims game at least once a year ever since that first release. When your real life is having a downturn, nothing beats living vicariously through your digital avatars.

 

1. Skyrim

   Owned on: PC (Steam), PS4

   I know people tend to think that Skyrim is overhyped, or has at least outworn its welcome, but honestly? It's the one game I can always go back to, time after time. It's my comfort game. I've beaten the main storyline at least twice, spent hundreds of hours on sidequests, and yet I'm positive I've only seen half the game. I can't tell you how much time I've spent just running through the countryside, seeing what pops up. Admittedly the actual dungeons are a bit repetitive, but I can always find something to do that keeps me entertained.

 

 

And there you have it. Sometimes I don't think I know myself as much as I should. I've spent a lot of money buying classic games, trying to recapture my youth, only to see those games gather virtual dust in my Steam account. But the above list represents my actual gaming habits, not counting the weekly matches of "Beach Buggy Racing 2" and "Puyo Puyo Tetris 2" I play with my wife, or the solitaire I play on my phone when I go to the doctor.

 

Just those last three games - Saints Row IV, Sims 4, and Skyrim - could probably keep me satisfied for many more years, especially if I have access to mods. Sure, new games are nice, but there's something about replaying old favorites that just makes me feel whole.