The Mandalorian and Grogu

    I know it's not a popular opinion, but for the most part, I liked the sequel trilogy. Still, even I'll admit it doesn't completely capture the feel of the original Star Wars movies. The Mandalorian, however, nailed it from the very first episode. I remember watching it and thinking, "Man, this guy actually gets Star Wars."
    The first two seasons told a really good story. Passing the baby off to Luke felt like the perfect end to the series. But money being money, they quickly undid that decision. Season three felt like a different series altogether, and it no longer felt like Din Djarin's story. The vibe was starting to feel more like the sequel trilogy than the original movies. Some viewers were turned off, but I still enjoyed it.
    When they announced the Mandalorian and Grogu movie, I wondered if it would feel like a classic Star Wars film, or if it would be more like a really long episode of the show. I got my answer.
    For me, it felt like binge watching a short season of the series. But that's not a bad thing. As seasons go, this was probably one of the better ones.
    There's nothing particularly cinematic about the feel. There's no traditional Star Wars music, just the music from the show. No slanted opening crawl, just a quick paragraph of text to establish the setting. There is a bigger budget, but there's also places I wish they'd spent more.

INT-4

    It's got some nostalgic references that made me squeal. In the first fifteen minutes we see one of my favorite toys from my childhood, the INT-4. Later we see full-sized versions of the monsters in that holographic chess game.
    A good deal of the film takes place on Nal Hutta, the Hutt homeworld. I'd always wanted to see that planet in live action, and the movie doesn't disappoint. We finally get to see some Hutts fight each other, and it's just as silly-looking as I'd imagined. Rotta the Hutt has a much bigger role than I'd expected.
    It has one part where it really lags. There's a great climax about halfway through the movie, and it looks like it's going to end soon... but then it has another hour left. Again, it feels kind of like watching the series, and that's just the mid-season climax. Mando fails and has to take a little downtime to recover. In fact, if you don't feel like watching it in the theater, that's a good place to take a break when you watch it at home.
    Some of the special effects are amazing. (Minor spoilers) There's this giant white snake that looks like it came out of a Frazetta painting. There's an arena fight between multiple monsters that looks fantastic. But there's also a few CGI failures. Early on there's a scene where an AT-AT falls off a cliff, and it looks like a video game. The Hutts themselves... well, they're hit or miss. Sometimes they don't look any better than Jabba in the Star Wars Special Edition, but other times they look pretty good. It mostly depends on the lighting.
    Overall, M&G doesn't have the oomph of an actual Star Wars movie. But for fans of the show (especially the first two seasons), it's a great ride.

Somehow, Palpatine Has Returned

I'm so sick of “Somehow, Palpatine has returned” memes. It’s kind of a berserk button for me. It reminds me of how unpleasable Star Wars fandom has become. Palpatine’s resurrection is perfectly explained in the movie, but everyone quotes that one line from Poe as if that’s the movie’s only explanation. Of course Poe doesn’t know how Palpatine returned, why would he?

There’s a shot where the camera pans across some cloning tanks. With one shot they manage to answer two questions – it reveals that the new Palpatine is a clone, and that Snoke may have been a failed attempt to clone Palpatine. I mean, there's more to it than that – like, Palpatine’s force spirit was so powerful that it was able to possess his own clone – but please don’t tell me there was no explanation whatsoever.

People always tell writers that they should “Show, don’t tell.” Then this movie comes along and does exactly that… and everyone misses it. Stupid, toxic fans. Regardless of how you feel about the rest of RoS's pacing and exposition, the backlash against Palpatine's "unexplained" return is unwarranted.

The Book of Boba Fett

As I write this, six episodes of “The Book of Boba Fett” have aired, and next week will be the season finale. Overall, I’m enjoying the series. It started out a little slow, but it keeps getting better. I’m anxiously awaiting the upcoming episode, to see how they resolve all this.

Uh, oh, it’s going to be another one of those “unexpected reinforcements” climaxes, isn’t it? Like the end of “The Rise of Skywalker”, or like we saw thirty times in the Lord of the Rings movies. Here’s what I’m picturing:

The Pykes show up at Boba’s doorstep (formerly Jabba’s Palace). It’s a small group of Pykes, with Cad Bane in the front. Boba comes out, surrounded by his allies and guards. Cad tells Boba to step down and there won’t be any further trouble. Boba refuses, and tells Cad that if the Pykes want Boba out of the way, they’ll have to fight for it. Cad snaps his fingers, and more Pykes come out of hiding and join the group. The Pykes now outnumber Boba’s group by ten-to-one.

Fighting ensues. Things look bad for Boba at first, but then the Freetown townsfolk appear over the horizon, a makeshift army of moisture farmers and retirees. But it’s not enough. Then a tribe of Sand People come running over a nearby dune - new allies Boba befriended off screen after his own tribe was massacred. But more Pykes join the fight. Then a bunch of Wookies appear, called in by Krrsantan. Also a hundred more street punks driving brightly colored speeder bikes. Finally, Amy Sedaris comes over the ridge, leading an army of Jawa ex-boyfriends.

The Pykes keep taking losses until they start to flee. It eventually comes down to a fist fight between Boba and Cad in the throne room. Just as Cad gains the upper hand, Boba manages to hit the trap door button. Both fall into the pit, but the Rancor has imprinted on Boba, so only Cad is in danger. Boba spares his life in exchange for his total surrender.

I’m mostly kidding, but I can’t wait to see if any of the above is true. (Edit: Well, I was close on a couple of details, anyway.)

Boba Fett was my favorite Star Wars character as a kid. At the time, we only had the original trilogy, and this was even before the Special Editions. Which means Boba only had about two minutes of screen time, during which he mostly stood around nodding at people, before having a clumsy death.

But he had the coolest costume, and that made him memorable. Sometimes less is more, and Boba’s lack of screen time meant we could fill in the details with the coolest adventures imaginable. His action figure got more use than any other toy in my collection, and I drew many comic books starring Boba Fett.

So, is the new show any good? Well, I like it, but I can see why some other people don’t. Fett’s noble demeanor – he wants to be a crime boss who uses honor instead of fear – is at odds with roughly half the fan fiction out there. If you read some of the older Expanded Universe novels and comics, you’ll even find official authors conflicting with each other.

One novel might portray him as an honorable hunter who abides by a strict moral code, while another makes him out to be a cold-bloodied killer who turns on his allies to make a quick buck. So the fans of the “cold and heartless” Fett are probably disappointed that they went with the honorable version.

It doesn’t help that the best BoBF moments are the ones that involve The Mandalorian. Causing some to ask: Is Din Djarin cooler than Boba Fett?

The problem with that question is that we haven’t seen enough of Boba on the big screen. His scenes in the original trilogy were basically cameos. Then we got to see him as a kid in the Prequels. And now we’re seeing Boba’s retirement plan. I have every reason to believe that when Boba was in his 20s, he was just as much of a badass as Djarin. It’s just that those adventures were relegated to comic books and novels, most of which are no longer canon.

Din Djarin, at this point in his life, basically is young Boba Fett. He’s having the adventures we always wanted to see from Fett, but were never filmed. And when Djarin reaches Boba’s age, he’ll probably start thinking about a retirement plan of his own. And then he’ll be boring. So no, Djarin isn’t cooler than Boba. He’s just at a cooler time of his life.

But you know what’s really cool? Peripheral vision. Being able to get a haircut or eat in public. Scratching your nose when it itches. Kissing. The ability to convey emotions through facial expressions. Sneezing without getting snot all over your visor. Having people actually recognize you, without them having to wonder if someone else is wearing your clothes (anybody remember Jodo Kast?). Just, in general, being allowed to take your helmet off when you want to, without violating some ridiculous cultural pseudo-religious taboo.

You know what’s not cool? Helmet sweat. It’s damp and rank and it gets everywhere. Hate on Boba Fett all you want, but at least his helmet doesn’t smell like armpits. “If I ever remove my helmet, I won’t be able to put it back on.” Yeah, that’s because you’ll smell fresh air for the first time in 20 years, Din. I wouldn’t be able to put my helmet back on either. But I digress.

Another complaint I’ve seen is that some of the elements don’t seem to fit in the Star Wars universe. The most glaring example being those brightly-colored speeder bikes in the third episode. Apparently they were designed as an homage to “American Graffiti” by George Lucas. Personally they don’t bother me.

I’ve probably said this before, but the problem with Star Wars is that we haven’t actually seen enough of the casual part of the universe. Most of what we’ve seen has been during wartime, from the perspective of the soldiers fighting in those wars. When we do see someone’s day-to-day life, it’s either the criminal underworld, or royalty, or a geriatric Muppet living in exile. Rarely do we see the normal life of a civilian. 

Except on Tatooine. We know far too much about Tatooine. It’s supposed to be a remote planet most people have never heard of, but it’s the site of half of everything that’s ever happened in Star Wars. Between Tatooine and Jakku, the desert feels like the default Star Wars location. When people picture a Star Wars casual outfit, they picture desert gear.

Picture this: It’s 1000 years from now. We’ve colonized every habitable planet in our solar system. Earth is the birth of our civilization, and most of our system is governed by the colonies on Mars. And yet, for some reason, 50% of our fiction takes place on Pluto. WHY? I wish the Death Star had blown up Tatooine instead.

Why is this such a problem for me? Because of everything we don’t know. We don’t know what Star Wars grocery stores look like. Or what sort of TV shows people watch. Or what sports they play. I mean, sure, we know a lot about the desert planets, but what’s everyday life like on Coruscant? Or Naboo? Planets where the biome itself isn’t such a huge factor in your everyday life. Why should I care who wins these "Star Wars" when I rarely see the lifestyles they're trying to protect?

The reason this bothers me is that it means whenever they do try to introduce new casual elements… the new elements don’t look “Star Wars” enough. This isn’t a new problem. When Episode I came out, some people complained that the ship designs were too sleek and modern looking. When Episode II came out, I heard a few complaints about some of the scenes on Coruscant (like the diner) seeming out-of-place in the Star Wars universe.

So those complaints about the speeder bikes make no sense to me. Just look at the world around you. If people have the technology to build a thing, someone will eventually build it. Look how different cars look now than they looked in the 1950. Look all the different fashions, and the shapes of houses. Styles change all the time in real life. But apparently people want Star Wars to remain stagnant, using only variations of what we’ve seen already. That, to me, is unrealistic.

And this is why I want more official Star Wars content. I would like Disney to hire George Lucas as a consultant (and nothing more), and I want them to make some TV shows that flesh out the more casual side of the Star Wars universe. Not everything has to be an action/western just because it’s Star Wars. Give me a sitcom set on Bespin or a legal drama set on Coruscant. Even if a show turns out really bad, it will normalize some of the elements we haven’t seen. Adding to the Star Wars lore will give future writers more to work with.

As usual, I’ve really gotten off track here. My point is, Book of Boba Fett is a decent show. If nothing else, I’m glad we finally have a canon, on-screen depiction of Fett escaping the Sarlacc pit. But the show is not for everyone. Like most things Star Wars, I’m just tired of people hating it for the wrong reasons.

On Star Wars and Planning Ahead

I just thought this was funny:

J.J. Abrams Reflects on 'Star Wars' and When It's Critical to Have a Plan

Uh huh.  Look, now is not the time to realize, "Maybe you should plan trilogies in advance."  The time for that would have been at least six years ago.  And it's not like it was some major philosophical question with no right answer.  If they had polled 100 Star Wars fans with the question, "Would you prefer a trilogy that was planned out in advance, or would you prefer we have multiple directors make up the story as they go along?"  I bet nearly 100% of them would have agreed that a planned trilogy is best.

I apologize in advance, some of this is going to be a repeat of things I blogged before, and most of it will be incoherent ranting.

Look, I'm one of the biggest Star Wars apologists out there.  The truth is, I like all the live action theatrical Star Wars movies.  I love The Force Awakens, on its own.  I like The Last Jedi, on its own (somewhat).  I like Rise of Skywalker, on its own.  I find all three installments of the sequel trilogy to be enjoyable in their own way.

But as a trilogy, it sucks.  And the reason it sucks?  It doesn't tell a cohesive story.  To be fair, that's not necessarily a requirement for a trilogy.  I mean, look at the prequel trilogy.  Episode 1 is a standalone story telling the origin of Anakin, then parts 2 & 3 are their own two part story about the Clone Wars.  But The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi set up plotlines that never really paid off in the end.

The Force Awakens is a great opener, and if the rest of the trilogy had actually followed the story it set up, the trilogy would have been awesome.  Yeah, TFA is a little bit too similar to A New Hope in story structure, but it has a certain modern crispness that makes it the superior movie.  It's like "A New Hope 2.0".  It's the same way I feel about Jurassic Park and Jurassic World.  The sequel is basically a high definition remake, and sometimes that's all it takes to make me happy.  It may be lazy writing, but it makes the old feel new again.

The Last Jedi is flawed, but it does a great job of subverting our expectations, and it takes the trilogy in a new direction.  It's my least favorite of the three, mostly because it doesn't really feel like a Star Wars movie.  But it does have a few great battles and some amazing visuals, just enough to keep me happy.  I'd put it on par with The Phantom Menace - it has two or three stellar scenes, and the rest is boring.

The Rise of Skywalker spends too much time fixing The Last Jedi's mistakes, but it's so crammed full of action, I don't have time to care.  Palpatine's resurrection comes out of nowhere, and it would have been nice if it had been foreshadowed earlier in the trilogy.  But that's what happens when you write a trilogy by passing a baton.  RoS feels closer to TFA than TLJ, making TLJ the oddball entry in the trilogy.

Some people say that Episode 9 would have been better if it had run with the threads set up by The Last Jedi, but I disagree.  TLJ's ideas just weren't that great, and if they had kept going in that direction, I think the trilogy would have just sucked in a different way.  It's easy to say, "If they'd used my ideas it would have been a better movie," when there's no way to prove it.

Yes, I'm aware of that "Duel of the Fates" script floating around the internet, and no I haven't read it.   So I can't yet comment on whether it's a good alternate for Episode 9.  But even if it's awesome, having a good script is still no guarantee of a good movie.  (Though it definitely helps.)  Let me remind you that both versions of Psycho are practically shot-for-shot identical, and yet one is a masterpiece while the other tanked.

As it is, The Force Awakens is a decent standalone film.  The Last Jedi feels like the first part of a two-parter that never got finished.  Rise of Skywalker is a fun standalone film, though it's a little bit overpacked with TLJ's baggage.

If I were to remake one, it wouldn't be Rise of Skywalker.  I would remake The Last Jedi so that it explored who Snoke was, finally revealing that he was one of the failed clones of Palpatine, and hinting that more cloning attempts were still happening.  I would allude to the shipyards of Exogol, so people wouldn't be so confused about where all these new Star Destroyers came from.  I'd also throw in some hints that when Kylo tells Rey that she's no one, he's either lying or doesn't actually know.  

In fact, these scenes could be added to TLJ with little effort, and a lot of other content could be cut.  I, for one, could do without the mutiny subplot.  With the right edits to TLJ (and a few minor cuts to RoS), we would have a cohesive trilogy that actually feels like it was planned.

Some people want to go so far as to declare the sequel trilogy non-canon.  I see no reason to go that far.  I look at it like a big budget TV series.  Every series is going to have bad episodes.  That doesn't mean we need to declare that the events of the episode didn't happen.  "Thor: The Dark World" is arguably the worst of the MCU films, but it sets up some of the events in Infinity War and Endgame, so it's not like it should be declared non-canon.  The events still happened, they're just not entertaining enough to rewatch as often.

Overturning canon should only be done if the events limit future installments.  For example, 2018's Halloween sequel ignores most of the films in the franchise, because they contradicted the new story they wanted to tell.  I would be delighted if somebody did the same for Aliens.  Alien 3's plot actually prevented the series from going forward the way it should have.  If they hadn't killed off the survivors of Aliens, there were a lot of possibilities in the future adventures of Ripley, Hicks, and/or a grown up Newt.  

But whether you liked or hated the last couple of Star Wars movies, there's nothing in them that interferes with future installments.  Yes, most of the main cast from the original trilogy died, but most of them were too old to be having a lot of sci-fi adventures anyway.  A new trilogy would be set far enough in the future (or the past) that it would have a whole new cast, and there's nothing in the sequel trilogy that prevents that.  

I still mostly blame the fans for the failure of the sequel trilogy.  Everyone hated The Last Jedi when it came out.  Don't deny it.  You hated it.  I know this because I was the only one who didn't hate it, and at the time, I searched all over the internet looking for people like me.  I didn't imagine this.  Heck, they say that one of the reasons Solo tanked is because people were still pissed about The Last Jedi.

Admit it:  You hated The Last Jedi until the minute you saw Rise of Skywalker.  Then suddenly you were like, "WHAT?  But I LOVED The Last Jedi!  Why didn't they use any of the ideas set up by The Last Jedi?"  You fucking liar.  If you really meant it, then you would have stood up for the movie when it actually mattered, and you would have gone to see Solo.

In general, I don't care if people agree with me about movies.  Live and let live.  If you like a movie I didn't, fine.  If you hate a movie I like, fine.  Sometimes I get a little annoyed if people hate one of my favorite movies, especially if their reasons for disliking it are based on a misconception.  But I try not to hold it against them.  And yet... people who hate Rise of Skywalker because it didn't follow The Last Jedi - honestly, that's one of my berserk buttons.

You had your chance to declare your love for TLJ.  YOU.  HAD.  YOUR.  CHANCE.  You chose to remain silent while the rest of the internet raged against the movie.  You sat quietly by while the studio took in audience input, and used that data to make a sequel that bowed more to fanservice.  We can complain all we want about J. J. (which I assume stands for Jar Jar) Abrams not planning the trilogy ahead, but you're guilty too.  By allowing Disney to think everyone hated The Last Jedi, you didn't plan ahead.  You didn't stop to think about how audience reactions would shape the third film.

So I'll say it again - if liked The Last Jedi, but you didn't like Rise of Skywalker, it's your fucking fault, and I'd like to invite you to shut the hell up about it for good.  At the very least, you could have gone to see Solo a few extra times.  Maybe if Solo had done better, Disney wouldn't have panicked about the direction of the sequel trilogy.

But I digress.  Here's the thing... before he got involved with Star Wars, J. J. Abrams was best known for his work on Lost.  Everybody knows that Lost was full of setups without payoffs.  They spent season after season throwing random crap at the wall to see what would stick, and while some of it looked planned, the writers really had no idea where they were going most of the time.

So when they handed The Force Awakens over to Abrams, it seems like somebody should have checked up on him.  Maybe one of the higher ups at Disney should have called him once or twice and said, "Um, you do have a plan for the entire trilogy, right?"  Look, I like Abrams.  He's pretty good at making entertaining movies.  But for a trilogy as important as Star Wars, he should not be left unsupervised.  This "pass the flashlight" method of storytelling is fine for some franchises, but not for Star Wars.

But hopefully the article above means that they've learned their lesson.  If they do film another Star Wars trilogy (as opposed to standalone films), maybe they'll plan out the story in advance.

We can only hope.

The Sims 4: Journey to Baatu

I finally got a chance to play a bit of the new Sims 4 game pack, "Star Wars: Journey to Batuu".  In short, it's not great, but I still really like it.  It's getting bad reviews, because it just doesn't do enough.  I agree with this, but I also think people's expectations were too high.  

Journey to Batuu probably should have been called something like "Batuu Vacation".  Because it's not a new neighborhood you can live in, it's not a game changing expansion pack that makes everything Star Wars themed.  It's more like taking a virtual vacation to Disney's Galaxy's Edge, where you can do touristy stuff while pretending to be a Star Wars character.

The main issue is that "What happens on Batuu, stays on Batuu."  What I mean by that is, some elements only work on Batuu.  You can build a droid on Batuu, and it will follow you everywhere.  But once you take it home, it acts more like a remote control toy.  You can befriend all kinds of aliens on Batuu, but if you get one to come home with you, their alien features are treated like a costume.

There's plenty to do on Batuu.  You can hang out in bars, buy lightsaber parts and droids, and complete missions for three different factions - Resistance, First Order, and Scoundrel.  But it doesn't take long to see everything.

For me, the real draw is all the Star Wars themed furniture that you can put in your home.  It's easier than ever now to geekify your domicile.  Granted, you could probably download fan-made furniture just as easily, but I'd rather have official content when I can get it.  The furniture looks fantastic, as do the new outfits.

There are three kinds of expansions for The Sims 4: Expansion Packs ($40), Game Packs ($20), and Stuff Packs ($10).  Expansion packs have loads of content, and introduce entirely new mechanics to the game.  Stuff Packs just have a bunch of new outfits and furniture.  Game Packs are right there in the middle, with small mechanical additions or story elements, along with a Stuff Pack's worth of extra furniture.

I wish Journey to Batuu had not been a Game Pack.  I would have been happy with a Star Wars themed Stuff Pack, just so I could deck out my home in SW regalia.  I would have been happy with a full-on Star Wars Expansion Pack, with new neighborhoods and Force powers and major additions to the gameplay.  As it stands, Journey to Batuu falls somewhere between too much and not enough.

Actually, even as a Game Pack it falls short.  Two other Game Packs, "Realms of Magic" and "Vampires", give you supernatural powers.  Would it have been so hard to do the same with Jedi Powers here?   But again, Batuu is a vacation spot, not a lifestyle change.  

As long as you recognize that, and just think of it as an overpriced Stuff Pack with vacation elements, you won't be as disappointed.  

Dreams Do Come True

A while back I posted a blog about Star Wars Games I Want To See.  The last one I listed was "The Sims: Star Wars Edition".  Well, guess what they announced today?

Huh.  If I'd known they were listening, I would have wished for something bigger.

Controversial Star Wars Opinion: Blasters Are Innacurate

Stormtroopers are bad shots.  You’ve seen the jokes; it’s one of the most prominent elements of Star Wars humor.  Even people who haven’t seen Star Wars make jokes about it.  It’s even a trope.  You’ve seen explanations in Star Wars novels and comics – the clones are imperfect or the troops are trained too quickly, blah blah blah. 

Now, I don’t care about Expanded Universe explanations.  The original EU is no more, and the Disney EU is only temporarily canon until it contradicts something in a future film.  The movies themselves give better explanations anyway.  Two of the biggest scenes of Stormtrooper ineptitude are already explained in-universe.  While escaping the Death Star in ANH, and on Cloud City in ESB, the Stormtroopers are on orders to miss.  Also, Luke says he can’t see a thing when he tries on a Stormtrooper helmet.  And let’s be honest, the nameless rebels aren’t much better shots.  This is a series where only named characters are competent.  (Except Greedo, apparently, who can’t even hit a guy across a table.)

But for me, I think Obi-Wan was on to something when he called blasters “clumsy and random”.  I think that perhaps Star Wars blasters simply aren’t very accurate.  It’s not a design flaw, it’s a fundamental problem with how energy weapons work in that universe.  Perhaps – and hear me out here – blaster fire tends to drift randomly.  Perhaps the moving bolts of energy are naturally attracted to static electricity in the air, and no weapons designer has been able to compensate for this.  It doesn’t matter what targeting system you use, energy drift can’t be predicted. 

So why do the heroes miss less?  Well, you can always blame The Force, but that’s too easy.  Maybe there’s something about Stormtrooper armor that attracts blaster fire.  Maybe they build up static electricity, so for the same reason blaster fire drifts, it drifts in the direction of Stormtrooper armor.  That would be a serious design flaw, but we already knew Stormtrooper armor was badly designed.  Not only does blaster fire go right through it, but it won’t even protect you from a rock thrown by a teddy bear.  But let’s be fair – they had to mass produce millions of these outfits for Stormtroopers all over the galaxy, how expensive did you expect this armor to be?

Do I get a No-Prize?

Star Wars: The Next Generation

Fun fact: In a few months, Star Wars Episode 1 will be old enough to drink. 

The other day I was watching some people on Twitter argue about Star Wars.  Actually, I do that most days.  One person said that he can’t wait until twenty years goes by, and the new trilogy is just another part of the series.  I remember saying the same thing about the Prequel trilogy a few years ago. 

Of course, there were a ton of responses to the tweet, some complaining about all the new films, some praising this film over that film, and so on.  But I noticed something interesting.  The younger tweeters kept saying things like, “Episodes 1-6 are timeless classics.  These new movies will never be as accepted as the original six.”  Gee, that sounds familiar.  Judging by their profile pics, these tweeters were probably about the same age when they saw The Phantom Menace as I was when I first saw A New Hope.  The cycle continues, and I love it.  But still, that phrase – “the original six” – hit me hard.  Twenty years from now, another generation will be referring to the current movies as “the original nine” while complaining about the newest entries. 

If it takes twenty years.  The latest rumors seem to indicate that the next trilogy will take place 400 years earlier, during the New Republic era.  What I’m wondering is if these movies will be called “Episodes 10-12”, or if they’ll have their own numbers.  I hope it’s the latter.  I don’t want the main series to jump back and forth in time.  I say keep the main series generational, with a new trilogy every couple of decades.

Anyway, it’s neat that the kids who grew up on the prequels are adults now, criticizing the next generation.  If you’re exactly the right age to appreciate one trilogy, it means you’ll be exactly the wrong age to appreciate the next trilogy.  I just don’t think adults get how Star Wars movies are supposed to be written.  George Lucas conceived Star Wars as an homage to the Flash Gordon and Buck Rogers serials from the 30s and 40s.  They were never supposed to be serious dramas.  They were supposed to capture the imaginations of children, and make silver screen buffs misty-eyed with nostalgia.

Star Wars isn’t bad when it’s serious, but it’s at its best when it’s cheesy.  People had lots of complaints about The Last Jedi, but I wonder if it’s biggest flaw may have been that it was too good to be a Star Wars movie.  Maybe it was deeper than Star Wars fans expect, in ways that didn’t fit the “space opera” genre.  I don’t know, it’s just a thought.  For me, out of the new trilogy, The Force Awakens feels the most like a Star Wars movie.  The Last Jedi went a little too far trying to subvert expectations, and Rise of Skywalker went a little too far with the fan service, but both are fun movies in their own way.

Unrelated, but I think it’s neat that each trilogy consists of one stand-alone movie, followed by two movies that complement each other.  A New Hope?  Perfect stand-alone movie, with a valid beginning, middle, and end.  But Empire Strikes Back is useless without the other movies.  You won’t know what’s happening if you haven’t seen A New Hope, and you don’t get any resolution if you don’t see Return of the Jedi.  A New Hope can be enjoyed by itself, but ESB and ROJ need each other. 

The Prequels even more so.  The Phantom Menace is a cute (if sometimes boring) story introducing the characters and showing us Anakin’s roots.  It’s not a great movie, but it’s a complete one.  Episodes 2 and 3 are a two-part story showing the rise and fall of the Clone Wars.  It’s nice to see that the newest trilogy keeps the tradition alive.  The Force Awakens is a solid one-shot movie, if a little derivative of A New Hope.  Its sequels are a bonded pair, even if the fans are too stubborn to recognize it.

This is why I hate all the fighting between Last Jedi and Rise of Skywalker fans.  The two movies complement each other just fine, just not in the ways some fans hoped for.  Empire Strikes Back had you asking questions that Return of the Jedi answered.  But the new trilogy has a slightly different relationship:  The Last Jedi starts rumors that The Rise of Skywalker debunks.  It’s less like the teacher/student relationship of earlier trilogies, and instead Rise of Skywalker is like Snopes, and Last Jedi is like that geriatric aunt of yours who only watches Fox News.  You didn’t get the answers you wanted, but you got the answers you needed.  It’s a somewhat rocky relationship, but it’s still a relationship.

Anyway, here’s a video I made about the whole “Last Jedi” vs “Rise of Skywalker” civil war:

Further Proof That You Can’t Satisfy Star Wars Fans

(Spoilers for Rise of Skywalker)

So, Last Jedi was blasted for straying too far from the Star Wars formula.  Rise of Skywalker is getting blasted for sticking too closely to the Star Wars formula.  This is why we can’t have nice things.

Seriously, I've heard nothing for the past two years but how much The Last Jedi sucked, and how Rian Johnson should never be allowed to direct a movie again.  But Rise of Skywalker overturns a few of TLJ's decisions, and suddenly Johnson is the second coming of Christ.  How dare they retcon all these things you've been complaining about for two years?  

Critics say Rise of Skywalker paid too much attention to the criticism of the last movie, and uses too many of the suggestions put forward by fans on internet message boards.  One humorist even said it felt like it was written by Reddit.  Is this a bad thing now?  Listening to criticism?  Trying to please your fans?  How dare they!

They say it’s not performing as well as expected in the box office, but do remember that Saturday was the busiest shopping day of the year; some people are too busy for a movie.  Besides, it’s competing against Cats!  *gigglesnort*  I hope it picks up some momentum after the holidays, because I don’t like it when Disney thinks things underperformed. 

But I just have to wonder what fans were expecting.  They did everything you asked, and you’re still unhappy.  Look, I would love to get an intelligently-written, seriously dramatic Star Wars movie someday.  But I only say that because I’d like to see Star Wars cross all into all sorts of genres eventually.  Star Wars sitcom?  I’m there.  Star Wars horror?  Awesome.  The best Star Wars novel I’ve read was a romance.  And The Mandalorian is basically a Star Wars western, and it does the job beautifully.

Side note:  Okay, so a lot of people will argue that Star Wars has always been a space western, but I don’t see it.  Sure, Han Solo is obviously a cowboy, but he’s not the main character.  To me, Luke’s story arc always more closely resembled old ninja movies, right down to him seeking out knowledge from an ancient wizened sage who is more powerful than his tiny frame would suggest.  But Star Trek also gets compared to westerns, so I honestly think some people just compare everything to westerns.  It has good guys and bad guys and sometimes they shoot at each other?  Must be a western, cuz gosh, no other genre has that.  But IMO, the only true space western is Firefly.

So yes, I would have no problem with Rian Johnson taking the reins again, turning the formula on its head, and making a movie that confuses our expectations.  But I also like Star Wars movies feeling like shallow theme park rides.  I hate to admit this, but Star Wars is supposed to appeal to twelve year olds.  I love that it can be enjoyed by all ages, but I think the target audience should always remain the tween demographic, at least for the numbered films.  That should be the goal: to put in just enough plot to keep the adults entertained, but to keep it light and energetic enough to keep the twelve-year-olds from looking at their smartphones.  Use the spin-off movies to experiment with other genres.

When The Sixth Sense put M. Night Shyamalan on the map, it also branded him as the “twist” guy.  There was a certain expectation that went with seeing his movies, and if he made a movie that didn’t have a twist, some people felt cheated.  I think there is a similar expectation that Star Wars movies follow a certain formula.  The minute Rey was introduced, audience members speculated on who her parents would be.  There just had to be some explanation as to why Force powers came to her so easily.  But then, they never really explained how Anakin came to be, at least not on film.  It’s a big universe; there’s no reason why any new characters have to be related to anybody.  But apparently some Star Wars fans just can’t accept a character without knowing their complete genealogy.

Anyway, there’s no accounting for why one likes or dislikes something.  But the reasons I’m hearing for people not liking Rise of Skywalker are, frankly, stupid.  This goes back to my blog on “Introspection Illusion”, but I don’t think people dislike things for the reasons they think they dislike them.  Can’t keep up with the movie’s frenetic pace?  Must be because you didn’t like them retconning Rey’s parentage.  Dialogue not making you laugh?  Must be because you didn’t like the Chewbacca death fake-out.  Ending feels too happy?  Must be because they showed too much (or too little) of Rose Tico.

If none of that makes any sense, well, that’s how I feel reading some of the reviews out there.  I don’t think some of you actually know why you didn’t like it.  I’m just saying, if you had enjoyed the movie on a more subconscious level, you might not be quibbling about the strange plot twists.  I’ve only seen Rise of Skywalker once so far, but I think this is one of those movies that’s probably more enjoyable a second time.  Once you know what happens, and aren’t worrying so much about who’s going to die or whether you missed a twist, you can enjoy it for what Star Wars has always been: popcorn munchers, roller coaster rides, special effects showcases, and homages to the cheesy serials from the 1930s.

If you didn’t like Rise of Skywalker, that’s okay.  It’s not your fault you’re a dullard, you probably just had boring parents.  I won’t hold that against you.  But I’m going to go hang out with the cool kids.  You know, the ones who don’t hate fun.  Feel free to join us when you’re ready to let your inner twelve-year-old out to play.  We’ll be happy to have you.

Rise of Skywalker Thougts (Spoilers)

Spoiler Alert for Star Wars Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker

If you haven't seen the movie yet, read this blog instead.

I saw the movie yesterday, and I'm still trying to put everything together in my head.

The plot jumped around so much that I'm having a hard time remembering the sequence of events.  Most Star Wars movies are pretty easy to summarize, and are so sectionalized that they feel like two or three mini-movies.  For example, Return of the Jedi has the Jabba part, the Yoda part, the Endor part, and finally the climax (which jumps back and forth from three locations).

But Rise of Skywalker was so chaotic, that I'm going to have to watch it again just to get the timeline straight.  Not that I'll need an excuse to see it again.  I mean, yeah, I know they spend a fair amount of the movie looking for a MacGuffin that will lead them to the planet where the climax takes place, but that search covers so many locations that I can't remember what happens when.

Regarding Leia - While I'm glad they utilized unused footage instead of CGI (mostly because I didn't want to hear people whining about it), it didn't actually look any better than CGI would have.  Some of her scenes were so obviously digitally inserted that she wasn't even lit the same as the characters standing around her.  Maybe it was more obvious because I knew about it in advance, but I'm pretty sure I would have noticed something was odd about her scenes.  Plus, a lot of her lines felt like they could have fit anywhere.

I was disappointed that the finale didn't involve a huge lightsaber battle.  I mean, I know there was some swordplay there, like with Kylo vs the minions, but I wanted a boss battle.  Either have Kylo or Rey get temporarily possessed for a big duel, or let the newly healed Palpatine pull out a saber like he did in Episode 3.

But Star Wars climaxes are hard.  Rey is put into the same position Luke was in at the end of Return of the Jedi.  Kill Palpatine and become evil yourself, or let him live and he kills all your allies.  RotJ handled this brilliantly, with Luke refusing to fight, and Vader killing Palpatine.  I thought something similar was going to happen here.  Either Rey or Kylo would strike him down, become possessed and evil, and they would fight each other.  Instead, Rey defeated Palpatine with some reflected lightning / force of will / power of love scene that feels right out of a Disney movie.  Oh, wait.

Of course, we did get a nice duel between Kylo and Rey earlier in the movie, but I found that fight a little underwhelming.  It was a cool location with the crashing waves, but it just felt like something was missing.  I think it was the soundtrack.  It needed something like "Duel of the Fates" to really make me feel it, but if I remember correctly a good portion of that scene didn't have music at all.

The ending - with Rey calling herself a Skywalker - makes it feel like the entire trilogy is Rey's origin story.  It feels like something really great is about to start.  Too bad Daisy Ridley says she's done with Star Wars after this trilogy.  Maybe she'd still agree to do voice work.  I would totally watch an animated series about Rey that takes place after this movie.

The little shout outs and fan service didn't do much for me, and seemed a little pandering.  Yay, Lando's back, but he doesn't do much that another character couldn't have done.  He would have been put to better use if he'd been the casino contact they were looking for in The Last Jedi.  Yay, Chewie finally gets a medal, but it felt like such a wink to the audience that it took me out of the film.  Yay, there was a lesbian kiss, but it felt like such a hollow token gesture that it annoyed the GLBT community just as much as it annoyed the bigots.

I know there's a lot of criticism in this blog entry, but I really did love this movie.  It's just easier (and more fun) to point out a movie's flaws than its virtues.  But nothing I've listed above is damning, just minor quibbles about a movie that's almost perfect.

The thing is, a lot of the negative reviews I've read about Rise of Skywalker have basically accused it of trying too hard to please fans.  It's a pet peeve of mine that "trying too hard" is considered a bad thing.  The world is full of movies that don't try hard enough.  Yeah, yeah, "Do or do not, there is no try", but Yoda's never directed a movie.

Ranking the Star Wars Movies

A few months ago, everyone was ranking the Star Wars films.  I wanted to wait until Rise of Skywalker to post mine.  Note that I’m only ranking theatrical films here.

1. Return of the Jedi
2. A New Hope
3. Empire Strikes Back
4. The Rise of Skywalker
5. The Force Awakens
6. Rogue One
7. Revenge of the Sith
8. Attack of the Clones
9. Solo
10. The Last Jedi
11. The Phantom Menace
12. The Clone Wars

Some notes…

1. Return of the Jedi:
Okay, yes, I like RotJ best, have at me.  I know a lot of Star Wars purists don’t like it because it rehashes the “blow up the Death Star” plot from ANH, and also because their testicles will shrivel off if they admit they think Ewoks are cute.  But RotJ also has Jabba the Hutt, the Rancor, the Sarlacc pit, speeder bikes, a huge space battle, Ackbar’s legendary line, Boba Fett actually fighting instead of just standing around, and a top notch lightsaber duel.

2. A New Hope:
A New Hope should really be at the top of the list.  After all, it is the quintessential Star Wars movie.  It deserves the honor just for being so groundbreaking.  But honestly?  I can no longer watch it over and over like I can the others.  I just know it too well.  As much as I love it, it’s so ingrained in me I might as well watch a blank wall and imagine the movie.  There’s nothing new in the background to notice, there’s no nuances to catch.  That’s why I like the Special Editions – not because they’re actually better, but because there’s new things to see.

3. The Empire Strikes Back:
Yeah, sure, most people like ESB best.  I don’t blame them, it’s a solid movie with a great script.  But to me, it just doesn’t feel like enough happens in that movie.  The cynic in me thinks that the reason ESB is so popular is because the bad guys win, and human beings are basically miserable little black-hearted trolls who like to see evil triumph because it gives them hope for their own lives.

4. The Rise of Skywalker:
This one's so fresh on my mind, it could go up or down this list in the future.  I mean, I loved The Phantom Menace when I first saw it, but the flaws stood out more and more with time.  Still - and I might eat these words later - I think Rise of Skywalker is going to stand the test of time.

5. The Force Awakens:
Yeah, yeah, it's basically a remake of A New Hope, but so frakking what.  I like ANH, but as I said above, it's boring now.  TFA is much prettier telling of the story.

6. Rogue One:
I thought a lot of this movie was boring, but the ending makes up for it.  A lot of people were turned off by the CGI actors, but Star Wars has always been about experimenting with technology.  The original trilogy pushed the limits of what they could do with miniatures and prosthetics.  The Special Editions and the prequels did the same for CGI, for good or ill.  One of the prequels was the first film ever shot entirely digitally.  The Force Awakens showed us how CGI can coexist with practical effects so well that it’s hard to tell the difference.  Plus, BB-8 was kind of an engineering marvel.  Defending Star Wars always feels like defending NASA.  You know, it’s not about sending people into space.  It’s about all the technological breakthroughs it takes to get someone into space, and how those breakthroughs can also be applied to everyday life.

7. Revenge of the Sith:
I rank Episodes 2 and 3 about the same.  But while AotC takes a while to get going, RotS is exciting pretty much from the start.  So RotS just barely beats AotC.

8. Attack of the Clones:
This one starts out slow, but the last forty-five minutes or so is great fun.  Some of the special effects aren’t aging well, though.  Some of the shots of the clone troopers look straight out of Battlefront.

9. Solo:
I thought Solo was much better than people gave it credit for.  It wasn't great, it wasn't bad, it was just fun and pointless.  Yes, it spends a little too much time on fan service, showing how every aspect of Han Solo's being came into existence.  But I'm glad there's finally a canon, on-film explanation of the "12 parsecs" thing, so people can finally stop making fun of Han's line in ANH.  And young Lando was spot-on perfect; it's a shame he didn't get his own spin-off movie.

10. The Last Jedi:
You know that feeling when you’re about 85% of the way through Skyrim, and you decide you want to finish up a bunch of the side quests before you get back to the main story?  That’s how I feel watching TLJ.  It’s a perfectly entertaining movie, but it always feels like something more important is happening somewhere else.

11. The Phantom Menace:
I’ll say this, I loved opening night.  We had friends who spent days in line to buy tickets.  My wife and I decided to wait and see it when it was less crowded.  But on opening night we changed our mind, and managed to find a theater that still had tickets available.  The energy was electrifying.  Star Wars fans everywhere, some in costume, it was awesome.  As far as the movie itself is concerned… well, the pod racing is kind of neat.  And that lightsaber fight is still one of the best scenes in the series.  But overall it’s a bit boring.

12. The Clone Wars:
I was going to just list the live action movies, but I figured, hey, I saw Clone Wars in the theater, I might as well put it on the list.  As a pilot for the TV series, it was serviceable, but the decision to release it theatrically was baffling.  There is no reason a movie about rescuing Jabba’s baby should have made it to the theaters.  Also?  I didn’t care for the CGI style they used, where everybody looked like they were carved out of wood.  I prefer the earlier, “Samurai Jack”-style Clone Wars cartoons.

Star Wars Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker (Spoiler Free)

Star Wars has always been divisive.  Starting with the Great Ewok Divide of 1983, Star Wars fans have always been at each other’s throats.  Special Editions?  Broken fan base.  Prequels?  Broken fan base.  Disney resetting the expanded universe?  Force Awakens being a little too similar to A New Hope?  Rogue One’s CGI actors?  Solo’s overindulgence in fan service?  Each one broke the fan base a little bit more.  And The Last Jedi was probably the most divisive of all.  At this point, Star Wars fandom is divided into so many splinter groups, you can’t even find a Star Wars conversation online that doesn’t devolve into name calling and Force choking.

I went into Rise of Skywalker with high hopes.  I’d read a few reviews that called it disappointing, but I don’t think those reviewers really get Star Wars.  They said it was predictable, didn’t break enough new ground, and undid too much of The Last Jedi’s progress.  Knowing these potential shortcomings going in, I was prepared for a fun romp with lots of cool action scenes, but that doesn’t blow me away with originality.  So, how did it measure up to my expectations?

I loved it.  It had lots of action, great special effects, and it wrapped up this trilogy quite nicely.  And what's more, I actually like The Last Jedi a bit more now, now that I can see where things were going.  If I have one complaint about The Rise of Skywalker, it's that it's damn near exhausting.  There's almost no downtime, no good time for a bathroom break, and it jumps from scene to scene so quickly at times that my brain was still processing events from three scenes ago. 

It's two hours and twenty one minutes, but it still feels over-edited in places, like they wanted to guarantee we wouldn't get bored.  Which is not to say it's all action.  But even the expositional scenes kept up the pace.  After watching the world's slowest car chase in space in The Last Jedi, this movie really sped things up. 

The reviewers who called it “disappointing” mostly complained about what wasn’t in the movie, and I don’t like that.   Always review a movie for what it is, not what it isn’t.  It’s true that Rise of Skywalker commits the same sins as Force Awakens – it retreads too much on past ground, and it doesn’t do much new or clever with the series.  Oh darn.  I wish the prequels had been that “disappointing.”

…So I’m torn here.  On the one hand, I think everyone is entitled to their opinion.  We all want different things out of movies, and one person’s trash is another ones treasure, yada yada yada.  But… This a fantastic movie.  It has everything I want out of a Star Wars film.  And if you don’t like it, then I don’t like you.

Star Wars Anticipation

I just wanted to throw out some thoughts before I see “The Rise of Skywalker” this weekend.

I’m sure I’ve told this story before on this blog, but I’m using it to drive home a different point this time.  In 2005 I attended the “Star Wars Celebration III” convention in Indianapolis.  George Lucas was there for a special interview and Q&A session, but we weren’t planning to see it.  Not that we didn’t want to, it’s just that we didn’t want to try to compete with the more hardcore fans.  See, the line to see Lucas started the day before the convention.  Hundreds of fans stayed up overnight, standing outside in the freezing rain, just to make sure they got seats for the show.  We weren’t that crazy.

The morning of the convention, we got there early, and got in line.  If you’ve never been to the Indiana Convention Center, it’s connected to some of the surrounding buildings by skywalks.  Which means there are multiple ways to get into the building, and we picked the wrong one.  Or, as it turns out, the right one.  We were standing in a crowd of people in one of the skywalks, waiting for the gates to open, when the convention employees started shouting, “This way, people!”  Totally confused, we were herded like cattle through the skywalk, into the upper floor of the convention center, and into an auditorium. 

When we realized that this was the auditorium for the Lucas interview, we were just giddy.  We hadn’t even bought our tickets yet.  We could have walked in from the street, with no intention of going to the convention, and seen George Lucas for free.  It was amazing.

The interview with Lucas was interesting, but I don’t remember much about it.  I remember more about the Q&A afterward.  It was just a few weeks before “Revenge of the Sith” came out, so lots of people asked questions about it.  There was this one kid who rather boldly asked if Episode III was going to be exciting like Episode II, or if it was going to be boring like Episode I.  Actually, I think the phrase he used was “in depth”, but the rest of the audience let out a sort of gasp/groan that indicated they knew exactly what the kid was really trying to ask.  Basically, was Episode III going to be as bad as Episode I?

Lucas took it in stride, and he said something I’ll never forget.  He said that for years, he’d always imagined that it would take three movies to tell Darth Vader’s origin story.  But when he finally sat down and started planning out the prequels, he realized that the story would only take two movies.  So he decided to make Episode I more of a bonus story, a nice way to introduce audiences to Anakin as a child, and give some background to the universe.  So there you have it, straight from George’s mouth – Episode I is basically just filler. 

But here’s the thing… At least he did sit down to plan them in advance.  Because that’s how you do a trilogy.  Before you start writing the first script, you outline all the major events of the trilogy, so you don’t set anything up you can’t resolve later.  Say what you will about George Lucas, but at least he planned ahead.

I actually enjoyed The Last Jedi.  I loved the visuals, and it had some great moments.  But my biggest complaint was that it just didn’t feel epic.  It felt like a mid-season filler episode from a Star Wars TV series, rather than part of a movie trilogy.  I kept wondering how these events affected the trilogy as a whole.  It just didn’t feel like it moved the trilogy forward.  Even now when people ask me if I liked TLJ, it’s still hard to answer.  Because I’m not even sure how I feel until I see Episode IX.  As a stand-alone Star Wars movie, TLJ is a fun diversion.  As part of a trilogy?  I don’t know…  Surely there’s a point to it?  Surely it was setting up a lot of pins for Episode IX to knock down?

…Except it wasn’t.  So many articles and interviews have since revealed that this trilogy was written one piece at a time.  It’s like that campfire game where you pass the flashlight around, and whoever has the flashlight continues the story where the last person left off.  If you’re going to do that, fine, but don’t call it a trilogy.  That is not how you make a trilogy.  I repeat, THAT IS NOT HOW YOU MAKE A TRILOGY.  You don’t let one director set up challenges for another director to solve.  You don’t casually dismiss plot threads that were carefully set up in the previous movie.  Episodes 7 through 9 are a trilogy in the same way the first three Jurassic Park movies are a trilogy.  Even the Matrix trilogy tells a more cohesive story than the current Star Wars trilogy.

I’ve already read a spoiler-free advance review of The Rise of Skywalker, and it does sound like they managed to wrap things up neatly.  If true, good for them.  But whatever time Rise of Skywalker spends cleaning up TLJ’s messes is time that could have been spent on original content.  I’m going to go into this with an open mind, but I’m still furious that they didn’t plan out the trilogy in advance.

They’re already discussing the next Star Wars trilogy (though I’m sure that depends on how well Episode IX does).  Great.  Good or bad, I’ll take all the Star Wars they want to give me.  I honestly don’t see myself ever giving up on the series.  But please, please, please let them have learned from their mistakes.  Please let them outline this set in advance.  I don’t mind non-numbered Star Wars one-shots, and I hope Disney starts allowing them again.  But numbered Star Wars movies should feel epic.  If you call it a trilogy, please make it a trilogy.

I'm begging you.

True Star Wars Fans: Attack of the Toxic Gatekeepers

I know I've talked about this in past blogs, but some of it bears repeating.  I wish I liked so-called “Star Wars fans” as much as I like Star Wars.  I’ve said this many times, but once again:

The difference between a Star Wars fan and a normal person is that a normal person likes Star Wars.

The first Star Wars film was released on May 25, 1977.  I was three-and-a-half years old at the time, and it’s the first movie I really remember seeing in the theaters.  Okay, I have a few random flashes of various Disney movies, but I have no idea when or where I saw them.  With Star Wars, I have solid memories of seeing it multiple times, both at the drive-in and in traditional theaters.

When Empire came out in 1980 (I was 6), I noticed the title was actually “Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back”.  The title made me realize that Star Wars was both the title of the series and the title of the first movie.  Well, that just wouldn’t do.  I made it my mission to find out what the “real” name of the first Star Wars movie was.

When Star Wars was re-released in theaters in 1981, they added “A New Hope” to the opening crawl.  Apparently George Lucas had wanted the original 1977 release to have the subtitle, but Fox wouldn’t let him because they thought it would be too confusing.  My friends and I called it “A New Hope” from that point on.  It was just clearer.  You didn’t have to wonder if the other person was talking about the series or that specific movie.

These days, there’s a lot of debate over what makes someone a “true Star Wars” fan.  I detest this sort of gatekeeping.  I’ll admit, I’ve had gatekeeper attitudes of my own in the past, but I was wrong to do so.  You are a Star Wars fan if you say you’re a Star Wars fan, end of story.

These gatekeepers say things like, “You’re not a true Star Wars fan if you like the prequels.”  They don't like the newest movies because they "pander to the Social Justice Warriors", what with having main characters who aren't white males.  The nerve.  Some "true Star Wars fans" even hate Return of the Jedi, because it has Ewoks in it.  Liking something cute threatens their masculinity.

Apparently a true Star Wars fan only likes two of the (currently 10-ish) movies.  Can you think of any other franchise on the planet where you’re only allowed to like 20% of the series to be a true fan?  Protip:  A so-called “true fan” of anything probably enjoys more than 20% of the content.

Of course, "true Star Wars fans" also can’t like the Special Editions, either.  Which is crazy, because you can’t even buy the original editions any more.  Think about that for a moment.  These toxic fanboys, the ones who consider themselves the only true fans of the Star Wars Franchise, only like two of the movies, and the two movies they like aren’t even available to buy.  What a sure fire way to keep new people from joining the fandom.  Sure, I wish they’d release the original versions on blu-ray just as much as anyone, but I’m not going to use it as an excuse to ostracize potential fans.

But the one that really sticks in my craw is the idea that real Star Wars fans never call the first one “A New Hope.”  For some reason, they associate the subtitle with the Special Editions and the Prequels, despite it being the official subtitle since 1981.  These so-called “true fans” apparently never noticed the subtitle until then.  I’m sorry, but again, I saw the original in theaters, and I’ve been calling it by its true name since 1981.  Are you really going to say I’m not a real Star Wars fan?

I repeat, a bunch of seven-year-olds knew it was called "A New Hope" waaay back in 1981.  If you don't think it's called "A New Hope", you're dumber than a seven year old.

So, I’m going to make my own list of what makes a real Star Wars fan:

1. A true Star Wars fan doesn’t accuse others of not being a real Star Wars fan.

2. If you say you’re a real Star Wars fan, you’re a real Star Wars fan.  Unless you violate Rule #1, in which case you’re just a jerk. 

3. You can like the unpopular Star Wars movies and still be a true Star Wars fan. 

4. You don’t have to have memorized every line to be a real Star Wars fan. 

5. You don’t have to have seen the original movie in the theater to be a real Star Wars fan. 

6. You don’t have to have read all the comics, played every video game, or know obscure bits of trivia to be a true Star Wars fan. 

7. This should go without saying, but you can be any age, race, or sex and still be a real Star Wars fan. 

8. You can like Ewoks, Porgs, Rose Tico, and yes, even Jar Jar Binks and still be a real Star Wars fan.

Always remember, being a fan is about liking things, not disliking things.

That Star Wars Trailer - Initial Thoughts

So, everybody's talking about the new teaser trailer for "Star Wars Episode XI: The Rise of Skywalker".

Looks good.  As usual, this first teaser didn't show very much, so I really don't know what to expect from the plot.  It didn't really blow me away with new visual experiences like a lot of Star Wars trailers do.  Heck, a fair amount of the trailer looked like it could have been made from deleted scenes from the last two movies.  But it has a feel to it that I like, and overall it just looks like it's going to be better written than The Last Jedi.

What I want from this movie:  Of course I want closure, but I also want it to validate TLJ.  So many people just want to retcon TLJ out of existence, but I'm hoping this movie is written to where TLJ actually has a point.  Basically I want it to build off of TLJ in such a way that if you were to remove TLJ from the trilogy, the trilogy wouldn't make sense.

FTR, I liked TLJ upon first viewing, but it's not interesting enough to rewatch much.  I'm still okay with it, it's just that it doesn't feel like it moves the story forward.  It would make a good episode of a Star Wars TV series, but as part of a GRAND TRILOGY it just felt like filler.  It has a few great scenes but it's not enough to justify the movie.

Everyone's really excited about the return of Lando, but there's even more buzz about that Palpatine laugh at the end.  Is Palpatine back?  Is he a clone?  Can Sith become Force ghosts?

Don't get your hopes up, that laugh could literally mean anything, including just a flashback.  And just because it sounds like Palpatine, doesn't mean it is.  Personally, I'm hoping it has something to do with Snoke.  One of the biggest complaints about TLJ is that it killed off Snoke before explaining who he really is.

But what if Snoke was Palpatine's Force ghost all along (only "playing dead" when he gets sliced in half in TLJ)?  Or what if Snoke was Palpatine's burned corpse, rejuvenated through some Star Wars tech, and now rejuvenated again for this movie?  What if Palpatine and Snoke were both avatars of Darth Plagueis, who is actually an ancient Sith who just keeps finding ways to come back to life over the centuries?

It would make the entire 9 part story the tale of Palpatine's rise and fall, and that would be pretty awesome.

Star Wars Games I Want To See

I like Star Wars.  No, that’s not right.  It’s closer to say that Star Wars is a part of me.  For me, it’s not about the individual movies, books, and games.  To me, Star Wars is a genre.  It’s not sci-fi, it’s not fantasy, it’s just Star Wars.  And when I see a property in this way, I want to see it branch out in directions the creator didn’t necessarily intend. 

In other words, not everything with the “Star Wars” logo on it has to be an action-packed space opera.  I mean, zombie movies are mostly horror, but then we have movies like "Fido", "Shaun of the Dead", and "Warm Bodies".  A while back I read a "Lost Stars", which is basically a romance novel set in the Star Wars universe.  And I loved it.  Personally I’d like to see Star Wars sitcoms, Star Wars cooking shows, and whatever else fanatics can come up with. 

So when I look at Star Wars video games, I’m pretty happy.  There’s a huge amount of variety in there, from RPGs to squad combat to flight simulators.  Unfortunately, a lot of them suck.  But that’s the problem with licensed games; they’re driven more by the marketing department than the artistic vision of the programmers.  Still, they should keep trying.  Assuming a skilled team of programmers with the freedom to follow their artistic vision without executive meddling, here are some Star Wars themed video games I would like to see:

“Bushido Blade” Style Lightsaber Duels

Bushido Blade for the Playstation was a completely different kind of fighting game.  There were no health meters.  Instead, you concentrated on parrying.  If your opponent’s sword hit you in the arm, that arm would hang limply at your side for the rest of the match.  Hope that wasn’t your sword arm!  If you got hit in the leg, you would limp along slowly for the rest of the match.  Both legs injured?  You crawl, making it nearly impossible to win the match.  And if you got hit somewhere vital, the match was simply over.  As you can imagine, matches were usually quite short.  We would typically hit “Rematch” five or six times before switching characters.  I know that sounds annoying, but it was actually incredibly fun. 

I especially loved the arenas.  You weren’t confined to some squared-in tournament pit, you fought in natural-looking asymmetrical environments.  Some had multiple levels, or let you fight waist-deep in water.  My favorite had you fighting in a field of bamboo, where your wide sword swipes would cause the foliage to fall down around you as you dueled.  You could choose different types of swords, which effected the speed, reach, and power of your blows.  There was also a sledgehammer, and a rather unfair secret character who wielded a gun.

The entire time I played it, I kept thinking, “This would be awesome with lightsabers.”   Just think about, lightsaber duels where severing limbs is a constant possibility.  It only takes one hit to win, but first you have to get through their defenses.  It might still have some sort of a stamina meter, but running out of stamina would just make your blocking less effective.  At full stamina, blocking would be almost automatic, but you would lose stamina the more you swing and block.  You would also be able to use Force powers from this pool of stamina, making it a trade-off to use.  This stamina meter would gradually refill whenever you aren’t mashing buttons.  Maybe it wouldn’t be a visible meter, so much as your character would stand like they were running out of breath.  I don’t know, I’m mostly spitballing here.

One of Bushido Blade’s biggest problems was a lack of characters.  My Star Wars version would include pretty much everyone who has ever wielded a lightsaber in the movies.  Who cares if it doesn’t make any sense in the timeline?  Just throw in a line about it being a training simulator or something. 

I’ll admit the chances of this happening are pretty low.  With Disney owning Star Wars, a dismemberment-based fighting game is less likely than ever before.  But you can’t deny it would be pretty cool.

A Decent Tournament Fighting Game

I know I sound redundant, but this one would play nothing like Bushido Blade.  Playstation’s “Masters of Teräs Käsi” was not a great game.  But that doesn’t mean it was a bad idea.  I loved the concept.  You had a button that switched between fighting modes, just like later Mortal Kombat games.  With your weapon drawn, it controlled like SoulCalibur – three slash buttons and a kick button.  If you sheathed your weapon, it played like Tekken – each button controlled a limb.  That was awesome in itself because it catered to more players that way.  Hate Tekken?  Keep your rifle out.  It was pretty clever at the time.

Unfortunately the controls were sluggish, the combos were dull, the roster was small, and the graphics were primitive.  There is nothing about that list of flaws that a modern day sequel couldn’t fix.  A couple of the SoulCalibur games had Star Wars characters as guest stars, and they were fantastic.  I’d love a sequel to Teräs Käsi that actually plays well.  Some people thought concept was silly, but I don’t care.  Yeah, yeah, why would these characters be in a fighting tournament together?  Why would someone with a rifle be entering the ring with someone wielding a lightsaber?  But they’re overthinking it.  All I care about is that it mixes some of my favorite movies with one of my favorite genres of video games.  If Mortal Kombat X can let the Predator fight Leatherface, then what’s so weird about Han Solo fighting Darth Vader?

And yes, it’s silly that you can hit someone 15 times with a lightsaber before it knocks them out, but you could say the same thing about dozens of Star Wars games, from “Super Star Wars” to “Knights of the Old Republic”.  You could also say that about other powerful weapons in fighting games, such as the swords in Soul Calibur or the bazookas in Marvel Vs Capcom 2.  The X-Ray moves in the last few Mortal Kombat games are particularly fatal-looking, but the match goes on.  So don’t tell me a guns vs lightsaber tournament fighter is unrealistic, when realism isn’t exactly inherent to the genre.

“Need for Speed” Style Speeder Bike Racing

There are certain scenes I’ve always wanted to recreate in a video game.  The speeder bike scene on Endor has been done in video games several times, but never really well.  There were a couple of decent pod racing games, but I’d rather play something that doesn’t carry the stigma of Episode I.  The original "Return of the Jedi" arcade game was fun, but the isometric view doesn't really draw me in.  At least one of the Battlefront games has a speeder bike scene, but they just don’t capture the feel I’m looking for. 

I want something more along the lines of Need For Speed: Hot Pursuit.  You pick either the Imperial (cop) or Rebel (criminal), and you race through the forest, either fleeing the Imperial or trying to catch the Rebel.  The emphasis would be on the speed.  The forest may have to be more sparse than in the movie, to keep you from crashing every three seconds.  Other planets would be welcome, too.

It doesn’t have to have anything to do with the plot of Return of the Jedi.  On one planet you could be working as a courier, trying to deliver stolen plans to a Rebel outpost.  Another mission might see you breaking out of an Imperial prison camp, trying to return to the Rebels without leading the Imperials there.  Or, heck with it, just make it a racing game.  I just want to feel that kind of speed in a Star Wars environment, racing against other players.

Obviously multiplayer is a must.  I may be old fashioned, but I’d really want a split screen racing mode.  VR might also be nice.

“Kingdom Rush” Style Tower Defense

Now I’m really reaching.  But I love tower defense games, I can’t help it.  Obviously this would mostly be for tablets.   But picture the Death Star, with a long winding trench leading to the exhaust port, and hundreds of X-Wing fighters following the trench to the end.  You have to place various kinds of turbolaser turrets to destroy them before they reach the port.  Another level might have R2-D2 overriding the Death Star’s own internal defenses to keep an army of Stormtroopers from reaching the landing bay.  Another might have you defending a walled Tatooine town from a party of Tuskan Raiders.  Or how about a level where Imperial scouts are following a trail through the Endor forest, and the Ewoks set up a bunch of traps to slow them down?  Some levels would be Light Side, some Dark Side, and all would be lighthearted and comically animated.  Long shot?  Yes.  But they did a Star Wars version of Angry Birds, so who knows.

The Sims: Star Wars Edition

Well, now I'm just being silly.  You can already mod the Sims into just about anything you'd want.  Still, I'd love to see a Sims game that was completely Star Wars right out of the box.  Sims 4 comes with some Star Wars costumes, but the characters look out of place in the suburban neighborhoods.  I'd like to see neighborhoods themed after Star Wars locations, with objects and furniture to match.  With occupations like smuggler, bounty hunter, and Imperial agent.  I think it would be hilarious to control a guy going through his day to day life, only to have him don a Stormtrooper suit when it's time to go to work.  Maybe I'm the only one who wants to see that, but I doubt it.